Ay carumba. It’s the dreaded “Latin Week” on American Idol – a chance for the eight remaining contestants to prove they can suck in two different languages, aided by mentor Jennifer “I Swoon for Blake” Lopez. Unfortunately, the only one who sang en Espanol was Sanjaya Malakar, who grew his facial hair into a post-pubescent goatee that looked like Paula might if she skipped her bi-weekly trip to the aesthetician. Idol doesn’t always have an episode dedicated to Latin music, but it’s a bloodbath whenever they do. A few seasons back, they showcased the catalog of Gloria Estefan in an hour that made me want to pour boric acid into my ears. Last night’s performances weren’t quite that bad, which isn’t saying much. Even powerhouse competitors like Melinda and Lakisha – especially boobtastic in her low-cut frock — failed to wow the judges, and came off matronly and winded, respectively.
The worse half of the eight – Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato, and Sanjaya Malakar – blew in the exact same way they blow every week. Richardson’s take on Santana and Rob Thomas’s “Smooth” got Paula to c’mon, shake her body, baby, do that conga, but he sounded like an off-pitch backing singer. Say nothing of Sanjaya, who officially became fruitier than a football bat last night when he wooed the camera with his sugar-shock-inducing rendition of “Bessame Mucho.” Remarkably, because his voice sounded stronger than usual, the most disappointing thing about Malakar’s performance was the fact that it was considerably less ridiculous than he’s been the past few weeks. And if not ridiculous or questionably coiffed, what’s the little dude got left to offer?
Still, the axe dangleth precariously over the other two members of the suck quartet: Stacey and Scarnato. Randy called Haley’s frigid version of “Turn the Beat Around” “really karaoke,” but a better description would have been to say it felt like the talent portion of a Miss America competition, minus the talent portion of the talent portion. She’s no dummy, though. Ever since she got a boost by showing some leg during the British Invasion episode, Haley’s raised her hemline each week. Though, even in satin hotpants, she’s the unsexiest hot chick this side of Nikki Hilton, Haley’s uber-quads seem to have a hypnotic power over voters. “I think you have a very good tactic at the moment,” Simon said. “Wear as least amount of clothes as possible.” Clearly, staring at the hypnotic uber-quads is degrading his command of the Queen’s English. Assuming she squeaks through this week, expect to see Haley in nothing but a bejeweled g-string leotard next Tuesday.
The millions of quad-loving hornballs watching the show won’t want to miss that sight, which is why this week’s loser will be Phil, not Haley. He’s been on the bubble for a few weeks now, and his decidedly un-spicy rendition of “Maria Maria” sounded the death knell. His rehearsal with J.Lo may have given her goosepimples, but last night’s performance gave me zzzzzzits. It was such a giant snore that even his nasal braying made me sleepy. “It was a bit lifeless, a bit flat, your voice cracked toward the end, there’s nothing I can get particularly positive or excited about,” said Simon. Phil tried to redeem himself by relating a pointless anecdote about how his daughter – nice play for the family values vote, Phil! – just got a plush cow she’s named Simon Cow-ell. If that cow could talk, it would say, “Step into my office, Phil, because you’re fuckin’ fired.”
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- Portions of Album Content Provided by All Music Guide © 2009 All Media Guide, LLC.
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