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Pop Life: Baby Steps for Britney

3/9/07, 7:56 pm EST

britney spearsBritney: disaster or catastrophe? Discuss! All right, so we could go on all day running down her recent indiscretions, but by the time we’re halfway done, she’ll be knocking over a liquor store. So instead, let’s save time by listing a few big mistakes that Britney has not made lately. OK: She did not cut off her ears while shaving her head, which is cool, because hair grows back but ears don’t. She did not accessorize her new skinhead pate by carving an Iron Cross into her skull, putting on Dr. Martens and making an Oi!-revival album. She did not release a record where she compares herself to Billie Holiday. And she didn’t have a couple of kids with a hobo.

OK, scratch that one. But that half-empty glass looks a little better now, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it look a little bit closer to, say, half-full? Wait — that glass was half-full a second ago! Britney! You are making this difficult, girl. Her not-at-all-drug-fueled idea to scrape her head clean a la Robin Tunney in Empire Records and stand outside her ex’s house bashing car windows has raised questions about her decision-making process. Dashing in and out of rehab like it was the stall near the sink, trading underwear with go-go dancers . . . in the immortal words of Al Bundy, “Gee, I hope that wasn’t a desperate cry for help.”

It’s sad to see stars hit the skids, especially the ones like Britney, who aren’t the most talented or productive but stay famous just because we like them. Don’t these people have friends? The kind of friend who can invite Britney out for a wild night of 2-for-1’s at Captain Jack’s, put an arm around her shoulder and say something like, “Count back from ten, because I’m about to club you over the head, stuff you in a trunk and drive you to a motel in Wyoming, where they can’t even spell ‘paparazzi.’ Then I’ll handcuff you to the towel rack and let you dry out with just a TV, the first three seasons of The Golden Girls and a copy of Unborn Kittens’ Letters to Jesus.” That kind of friend.

Instead, her former assistant gabbed to the tabloids. So did her one-week boy toy, who confessed, “As we made love that night, it was like Kevin was in bed beside us.” And Jason Alexander, her Vegas husband, now wants to be all Mr. “I Saved Britney’s Life by Throwing Her in the Bathtub.” It’s enough to make K-Fed look good. Bad taste in friends? Could be. Bad taste in drugs? Definitely. But, hey, it’s been a few minutes, and she still hasn’t cut her ears off. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.


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Comments

manda lu | 3/10/2007, 8:00 am EST

the television shows saying “Normal girls just don’t up and shave their heads” pissed me of so much. E! said it and a lot of others said things along the line of it. but i shaved my head before, i’ve also hada mohawk too. But i wasn’t crying out for help, i wasn’t doing it because it was the “in” thing. i was doing it becasue i was sick of having hair. I’m a mom now and i luckily don’t and never had post partum depression, i don’t drink. but seriously I didn’t take offensive to this article and it’s the first time no one has attacked the fact that she “just shaved her head” After you have a baby you want to do something, anything to make your life a little less stressful, if it’s shaving your head than so be it. if it’s getting pointless tattoos So be that. if you go on a spree of both than you’re just britney spears and your haven’t been in the tabloids for 48 hours and are upset.

lik roper | 3/10/2007, 10:53 am EST

i used to have an old girlfriend who was into witchcraft and she could literally take a photo of me and put it by a candle, then cup her hands around that same photo and get me to call her…

my point is this; RS is essentially casting an bad spell on britney at this point, so how about just laying off of her already?…

i get sick of ‘the media’ building people up – then tearing them down, and this is a classic example of that…

let her purge the demons we have all given her in her own way, because i am not sure we are helping the situation at this point…

Tim | 3/10/2007, 11:02 pm EST

Pampered celebrities surrounded 24/7 by personal assistants who jump through hoops to appease them, no matter how unreasonable their demands. And rehab is going to teach them self control and accountability?

dottey | 3/11/2007, 1:44 pm EST

what she kept doin for years before, that was insane. its never to late to have a decent childhood. maybe she will be a real artist one day – she seems to be on her way to get a life recently.

mikeky | 3/12/2007, 9:02 am EST

hasn’t anyone wondered exactly what britney is in rehab FOR? does anyone know? is it cocaine? extacy? what exactly is it?

no one is saying. is she a sex addict? did she use the word ‘fag’ on national tv? what is her specific problem?

maybe she’s just crazy and the powers that be (head-up-ass, insular, think-the-vast-majority-of-ame rica-actually cares) deem her a candidate for ‘rehab’.

whatever that means.

Lobsters | 3/12/2007, 1:22 pm EST

Okay, okay, okay, let’s all stand up and acknowledge that Rob Sheffield is smarter than Britney Spears . . .

“Rob Sheffield is smarter than Britney Spears!”

There! I hope you feel a whole lot better about yourself now, Rob! Now go outside and beat the shit out of a three year kid.

DK | 3/12/2007, 11:53 pm EST

Aren’t you making money off of writing this article about Britney? Does that make you any better than Isaac Cohen or K-Fed? Loser dudes one and all…I hope Brit goes Lesbo.

kelly | 3/14/2007, 6:45 am EST

Sinead O’Connor shaved her head when she was tired of not being taken seriously in the Irish Pubs and she became famous for it,,,Erika Baduu shaved her’s as a sign of cleansing and rebirth,,,Buddhist’s do it,,,we live in a cosmetic society and I give Britney a big fat “Kudos” (not the candy bar) for wanting to get in touch with her “roots” (natural hair color) and I think she looks adorable,,,

abandonedstation | 3/16/2007, 11:38 am EST

woe betide the young celebrities when the adultation, employment and (god forbid) the money dry up. kevin smith coined the phrase ‘prince world’ to describe how some stars are so insulated that their concept of how the world works morph into some sort of deulsional egocentric fantasy (referring to the obvious).
Why is Michael Jackson so fucked up? He went on tour when he was seven and never stopped. Britney toured in shopping malls and then arenas in her formative teen years and had everyone tell her how great she was. Why is Lindsay Lohan a drunk? She’s was given lead roles in movies at thirteen. (obviously some young stars get through it, but few get the press and obsessive following of those mentioned above)
Keith Richards gave great advice once, saying that all young artists should have to ’starve a bit’, as a way to keep yourself grounded in the formative years of your life. You can have reality slowly seep into you over a couple years, or it can hit you like a freight train.
And I’ll finish up with a kick-her-when-she’s-down comment: No real disrespect, but since Britney never seemed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, the climb back to a state of mental health will be much harder.

leanne | 3/19/2007, 1:52 am EST

With the money Britney has and the advances in medical technology, how do we REALLY know her ears aren’t fake?

jenne | 3/20/2007, 11:01 am EST

i don’t give two ass candles about this woman..ok i didn’t but i feel sad for the children. i’m a new mom and have mental issues & post partum. however i got some help and didn’t self medicate. i hope she gets better and takes care of her children. it’s hard enough to be a mother and deal with Post Partum. having cameras shoved into your vagina must make things even worse.i wish her luck. and Rob – i hope you keep writing. your columns are great and the best thing about Rolling Stone lately.

Maekju Matt | 3/21/2007, 5:12 am EST

I am in South Korea and everytime I sign into Yahoo messenger I see a new headline about Britney Spears. This headline is always accompanied by a photo of her shaved head at a new angle. My question is this, “Who cares?”
A) She’s never been a major talent. Her success can be traced directly to smart marketing and the asinine programming of late 90’s TRL. (Not that it is any better now.)
B) How does what Britney Spears does relate to anyone’s life in any signifigant way?
Why don’t we all leave these celluloid gods alone and get a life? Why did I even take 3 minutes out of my life to write this?

Hippie at Heart | 3/25/2007, 3:10 pm EST

Britney = Retarded
I just feel bad for the kids. They can’t help the fact that their mom is a raging lunatic.

reeferteeth | 4/20/2007, 1:13 pm EST

yea brittney spears is a lunaitc,
not to mention her shaved head,
rob is only telling the truth about this woman,all she cares about is her self and her “career”, shes a whore and a drug attic whom doesnt deserve to have kids in the first place, so for all you people on her side………. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!

reeferteeth | 4/20/2007, 1:17 pm EST

Yeah lobster you can take brittney spears’s shaved head and stick it staight up your arrogant ass, your not funny and i hope i never get to meet you………………smartass

zeeeeee | 7/30/2007, 12:36 am EST

leave her alone you dont know whatit could be like so grow up leave her alone try been in her shoes for once than taking her apart

Lhann | 10/12/2007, 4:01 am EST

ok people, who cares, seriously… i get it, this is the stuff that entertains us. Why are we all obsessed with it though. Im so over hearing about britney! She prob does do drugs… why else does she always have a sucker in her mouth?? hmm maybe because your jaw hurts when you extacy? But whoooo cares!!!! We have all done drugs, well most of us have. I for one have been there and done that, and now im over that stage of my life. It’s only because she is in the media that people freak out about it. She will get her shit straight eventually with or with out help. It just pisses me off that celebs get catered to for their every need… there are people that have real jobs out there that save lives and risk their own lives…. and they get paid shit… what has this world come to? Get over it.

spearsfanCanada | 5/28/2008, 2:39 pm EST

I think people are way to hard on brittney.No matter who you are,everyone has there own problems.Their problems are just advertised over the world.I am a 27 year old and had a abuse addiction and i came out of it.You get to one point in your life when you just get tired of it and everything else that comes with it.Now i am blessed with two children and have my life on the right track.I belive she has hit a hard time in her life but she will come out of it.She is a very beautiful person inside and out!!I think she is even better since she gained a few pounds.I find her very attactive.Would love to meet her in person,i think she would be fun to hang out with.

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