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Pop Life: Ranking the Latest Celeb Splits with Our Beyonce Breakup Scale

1/28/07, 3:35 pm EST

pamela andersonYou know what sucks? January, that’s what sucks. In terms of celebrity heartbreak, it’s the most toxic time of year, as the hearts of desperate fame whores grow cold and slushy. These are just a few of the latest reported victims of the celebrity breakup flu. Pass the Kleenex. We’re rating each one on our special Beyoncé Breakup Scale™, which ranges from “Irreplaceable” (tragic yet painful) to “Survivor” (painful yet tragic). Ring the alarm!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND CAMERON DIAZ
BEYONCÉ RATING: “Independent Women”
Hope you kept that sexy warranty, Justin, because it’s time to bring sexy back to the sexy counter! Save that sexy receipt! Sad to say, this one was long overdue. Justin isn’t exactly Mr. Loyalty — he totally left Janet Jackson to take the heat after the Super Bowl. We all knew he was giving up on Cameron when he started wearing those goofy Fine Young Cannibals sweaters. Anybody suspect he never deleted Britney’s number?

MARILYN MANSON AND DITA VON TEESE
BEYONCÉ RATING: “Say My Name”
Who saw this coming? Poor Dita probably woke up one morning and went, “Hey, wait a minute — this guy still claims he’s thirty-eight? It’s a joke, right?” Now Marilyn Munster’s supposedly dating Evan Rachel Wood, who’s nineteen, i.e., too young to remember how shitty his music was. Hott!

DREW BARRYMORE AND FAB MORETTI
BEYONCÉ RATING: “Déjà vu”
This is just too horrible to be true, and so I refuse to believe it. Problem is, they’re from two different worlds. As Drew said in Ever After, “A bird could love a fish, but where would they live?”

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND JOSH HARTNETT
BEYONCÉ RATING: “Lose My Breath”
According to totally disreputable (but kind of awesome) rumors, Josh has been looking for love in coed bathroom stalls (it’s called “filling the void”) while Scarl is banging Justin like a screen door in a hurricane (it’s called “moving on”). Pray this is true.

JAY-Z AND BEYONCÉ
BEYONCÉ RATING: “Crazy in Love”
Guess what? They’re still together! Which is weird, because Jay-Z announced he was dumping her on his latest album. Know what this means? Not even Beyoncé listened to Kingdom Come! Ouch. Hold on tight, Jigga Man. It’s cold out there.


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Comments

lik roper | 1/30/2007, 9:10 pm EST

this happens every year at the beginning of spring around groundhog day; relationships that are not working end with a little help from nature…

end of summer ~ beginning of spring tends to be the cycle…

Tara | 1/31/2007, 2:32 pm EST

Rob, I loved your book. I’ve been searching on this site for an email for you and can’t find one. I want you to listen to the best radio station EVER, 94/7 Alternative Portland in Portland, Oregon. Our station IS a mix tape. http://www.947.fm and I’m on middays, 9am – 2pm. PS, I work with Bart Blasengame, and he says hello.

xo
Tara

becki626@netins.net | 2/3/2007, 7:42 pm EST

Rob-
When is your ‘mixtape’ book coming out in paperback? I await it.
I used to toil away on mixtapes myself for years till I recently finally figured out how to do the burning thing on my computer.Yes, I’m 46! Your column always says what my evil little mind is thinking. Party on.
Becki S.

Karen | 2/6/2007, 6:01 pm EST

Rob, your book, “Love is a Mix Tape,” is incredible. I want everyone to buy it, read it, and cherish it. It’s a masterpiece.

big fans | 2/8/2007, 11:58 pm EST

Rob, we’re hoping to see you tomorrow night at Girl Talk in Brooklyn!

Ken Hastings | 2/9/2007, 1:48 am EST

LOVE IS A MIX TAPE is great! I’ve been a DJ for over half my life, and I related to it on every level. I too used to do the mix tape thing growing up, except I went as far as talking in between the tracks, explaining why each song was significant. I was a nerd then. I’m a nerd now. What can I say?

Keep up the good work!

Cheers,
Ken Hastings

Ben Graham | 2/9/2007, 6:02 am EST

Hi there,

I am the guitarist in an independent 5 piece group from Melbourne called ‘Into the Night’.
Being independent (by choice) means we do not have the big budget backing from a major label, thus having create our buzz through word of mouth and playing live.

The reason I email you is to hopefully interest you in helping us!
We need publicity!
If there is anyway you can help us out with this we would greatly appreciate it.

Here’s a few of the projects we are working on at present:
-Our new EP ‘The Art of Honesty’ is in final stages of production and will be released shortly to radio, along with manufacturing of 1000 units.
-We are an artist in spotlight on the Triple J ‘Unearthed’ website.
-We are in the process of organizing and funding state tours of Tasmania, New South Wales and Queensland.
-We are in production stages of artwork for our merchandise line.
-We’re constantly writing, recording and playing live around Melbourne city.

Please check out our web page below for more info and to hear some of our tunes.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you believe you can help us out!

Keep rockin’ on,

Ben – Into the Night

Emily | 2/10/2007, 1:35 pm EST

Rob,

Thanks for ‘Love Is A Mixtape’. I finished the thing in seven hours the other night, I was simply unable to put it down.

Emily

Jeremy | 2/10/2007, 11:34 pm EST

Rob, I wanted to thank you for your wonderful book. Sometimes I feel I’m the only one alive that still makes actual mixtapes on cassettes. Personally I loved what you wrote about Pearl Jam. My girlfriend and I met through our love of that band. See it’s not so bad liking them now is it? Seriously though, thank you. I’m soon to be following my girlfriend to Queens. It’d be cool to chance upon you in Brooklyn someday and offer to buy you a beer. I’m sure it won’t happen, but a guy can dream. Take care and keep up the great work. Whole lot of love and peace.

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zkjgvexds ldqf | 6/18/2007, 3:00 pm EST

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