New year, new season of American Idol (the sixth, if you haven’t been counting), which means it’s back to Paula Abdul’s meltdowns, Simon Cowell’s mood swings, Ryan Seacrest’s hair and an endless parade of unknown hopefuls — some inspiring, most pathetic — looking to hear those four life-changing words: “You’re going to Hollywood!”

Only seventeen of 10,000 people who tried out in Minneapolis on last night’s episode made it to the next round. So we asked an expert — season-three finalist Jon Peter Lewis (best known for rocking Elvis songs, being eliminated the week before Golden Globe winner Jennifer Hudson got the boot and “looking like a pen salesman,” according to Cowell) for his rundown on the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright laughable. He also offered Idol audition tips for the next generation of hopefuls.

“Let me preface this by stating clearly that I am a fan of American Idol — it makes for great water-cooler conversation. But I have to admit that after two hours of sob stories and Ryan Seacrest segues, I’m slumped over in my chair wondering what the barrel of a gun would feel like in the back of my throat. No one on the season-six premiere episode was even close to stellar.”

THE BAD:
Jessica Rhode (Offered up an awful version of guest judge Jewel’s “Who Will Save Your Soul”): “The dumbest thing you could do is sing somebody’s hit song to them. Think about it: To hear some two-bit amateur try to copy her, with all her inflections and stuff, that’s just ridiculous.”

Troy Benham (The self-described “Urban Amish”): “He may look like Matisyahu, but this guy’s not cool in any way whatsoever. Lord, help us.”

Charles Moody (Dressed as Apollo Creed, sang an Italian aria): “I don’t get it. Do these people think that this kind of gimmick — wearing an Apollo Creed costume — will get them on the show? I totally understand wanting to be a little crazy, different, wild, but do something that makes sense. Don’t dress up like a boxer and sing an Italian aria.”

Jesse Holloway (Attempted Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” walked out mid-audition then came back): “At what point do you say ‘The whole world is wrong and I’m right’ — and at what point do you listen to the world? Some of these people really have no business being there and this guy is one of them. Plus, getting all belligerent (and saying that the judges should all be fired) is the wrong attitude.”

Tashawn Moore (Botched Prince’s “Kiss”): “This is the girl who couldn’t remember the lyrics. In Prince’s hometown, no less. I’m not sure if she ever knew any of the words beyond ‘She rules my world, she rules my world, she rules my world . . . ‘ Pure torture.

THE GOOD:
Denise Jackson (Sang Jennifer Holliday’s “And I’m Telling You”): “She’s sixteen years old with a really big, dramatic voice, but I’m not committing my emotions to Denise until I see a little more. I mean, I was sitting in the audience when Jennifer Hudson sang on Idol for the first time and, to this day, I still haven’t heard anyone who can top that. As for the sob story, America loves a good one, but being forever known as the crack baby? That doesn’t seem like something you’d want to advertise.”

Jarrod Fowler (Sang Rascal Flatts’ “Bless the Broken Road”): “Unlike the Apollo Creed dude, a Navy uniform is not a costume. It seemed like more of a political move to appeal to the Southern states and the Midwest. Even so, he seemed like a decent guy, not a douchebag. Plus, he had an actual story: He won an Idol competition on his ship, thought, ‘Maybe I should audition for the real thing?’ then he goes and gets the spot to Hollywood.”

Perla Meneses (Sang Blondie’s “Call Me,” then Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie”): “She’s from Colombia and can sing ‘Hips Don’t Lie,’ so she’ll be known as ‘the Latin girl.’ She seems to have the right T and A; the survival story…and her voice isn’t bad. She sounds like Shakira, and Simon seemed to like her.”

Michelle Steingas (Sang Deanna Carter’s “If This Is Love”): “She’s blond, pretty, has a great body and seems like a cute, fun girl. Plus, she can sing. She’s model Simon material. Maybe we’ll have another Idol scandal on our hands.”

Rachel Jenkins (Sang “His Eye Is on the Sparrow”): “She’s another ‘type’ in the Idol cast of characters. She’s got a great story: She works as a mechanic in her dad’s shop and her husband is in Iraq so she joined the reserves. I was really surprised at her voice. Rachel will go far. Now I’m just waiting for the soul singer with dreadlocks and the girl with pink hair.”

THE TRAGIC:
Trista Griese (sang “If I Were King of the Forest”): “I almost wet my pants laughing so hard. Of all things to impersonate if you’re a big girl, why the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz?”

THE JUDGES:
“Simon seemed to be smiling and winking more than I remember seeing (at least on camera), while Randy was a lot nastier than normal and didn’t throw in his usual catchphrases. Paula was slurring her S’s a lot — nothing new there. So that leaves guest judge Jewel. I kind of felt bad for her. Having to insult somebody’s voice is sort of like telling a parent that their baby is ugly. Still, Jewel could have grown a pair and had a few more things to say other than, ‘Can you skip me on this one?’ ”

THE TIPS

• Don’t ever use someone’s song if that someone is in the room.
• Don’t beg.
• Don’t leave your audition if it’s going badly, and if you do, don’t come back.
• Don’t forget the lyrics.
• Don’t give lame excuses for your voice giving out.
• Don’t wear costumes.
• Don’t call yourself a crack baby on national television.
• Don’t do impersonations, especially of animals and especially if you’re a girl.
• Do keep your day job.

Jon Peter Lewis’s self-released debut album, Stories From Hollywood, came out on November 7th, 2006, and is available at major online music retail outlets.