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While Bill Clinton Throughout his presidency was a sizzling National Enquirer headline waiting to happen, George W. Bush has bequeathed to the world far more in the way of tangible corruption and real, colossal political disaster than he's given in juicy rumors and sex scandals. But that doesn't mean Bush's gossip slate is completely clean. A short list of the most enjoyable and impossible-to-prove Bush rumors and where you heard them:
Rumor He's depressed and medicated.
Evidence His occasional dazed demeanor is a classic sign of prescription antidepressants. The D.C. online political news-magazine Capitol Hill Blue, which alleged (citing "White House sources") that Bush had been prescribed antidepressants by the White House physician.
You most Likely Heard this at a bar where Bill Kristol was crying into his martini.
Bullshit? This would surprise no one, given Bush's agonizing year reading Iraq briefings. Wouldn't you be depressed if you started the war?
Rumor Bush has a long-term boy-friend, the ambassador to Poland, Victor Ashe.
Evidence Ashe and Bush were roommates, cheerleaders and members of the elite Skull and Bones society together at Yale; Bush allegedly sent candy and flowers to Ashe in Poland.
You Most Likely Heard this at the Yale Club; reading Kitty Kelley or surfing Conspiracy Planet.
Incriminating Bushism "We're a country based on fabulous values. ... And we'll prevail, because we're a fabulous nation, and we're a fabulous nation because we're a nation full of fabulous people."
Bullshit? Well, he does say "fabulous" an awful lot.
Rumor Bush is having a hot, steamy affair with Condoleezza Rice.
Evidence Laura Bush reportedly spent a night at the May-flower Hotel this summer because of the affair; in a jaw-dropping Freudian slip, Condi referred to Bush as "my husband" at a dinner before correcting herself. (A fair-play bonus rumor to this: Laura, distraught over George's romps with Condi, fell into a romance with an old flame, described as a wealthy Texas businessman.)
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You Most Likely Heard this reading Wonkette; from a Georgetown hairdresser.
Bullshit? Bullshit. Wait a second, we thought Condi was supposed to be gay.
Rumor Bush is hitting the sauce again.
Evidence Nobody is that consistently stupid sober.
You Most Likely Heard this while stuffing envelopes for Ned Lamont. Very possibly you came to your own conclusion about this.
Bullshit? A relapsed drunk? That would never happen.
Rumor Bush started a war with Iraq on the basis of manufactured intelligence.
Evidence They didn't find any WMDs in Iraq; this is virtually the unanimous opinion of the entire civilized world.
You Most Likely Heard this in the liberal media.
Incriminating Bushism "There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of ironclad, absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon."
Bullshit? Impossible — the people would never allow it.
[From Issue 1011 — October 19, 2006]