THE LOW POST: The Vilsack Buzz

He hung his head pathetically. Always a sucker for a hard-luck case, I pulled out my wallet. "Okay, I'm going to give you the six dollars," I said. "What's your scam, anyway? What is the Tom Vilsack buzz, exactly?"

"Oh, it's 'community,' " he said. "Community is a terrific value for the Democratic Party and it's something everyone can get excited about."

He handed me a Washington Post clip with the relevant quote. The headline of the story was 'Tom Vilsack's Democratic Optimism.' " I frowned again.

"I thought Al Gore already tried 'Democratic Optimism,' " I said.

"No, no, that was Kerry-Edwards," he said. "And that was just plain 'optimism.' They were reacting to Bush's 'pessimism never created a job' ad. Our thing is completely different. This is Democratic Optimism. Completely different."

I read the interview quickly.

"And this line here," I said, pointing. "This line where he says he's going to 'talk about health care, education and security from a values perspective.' What the fuck does that even mean? How do you 'talk about national security from a values perspective?' That's not even English!"

"Well, that just means that when we talk about security, we're doing it in the context of values -- and values are central to Democratic Party ideals," Vilsack's buzz said nervously. "If we Democrats can talk about values, we're going to win a lot of elections."

I all but threw the money at him. "Just take the fucking six dollars," I said. "You people all give me the creeps, you know that?"

"Thanks," he said, gathering up the bills. "Hey, one more thing. You wouldn't want to buy a die-cast replica of Air Force One, would you? I bought it for my son, but it turns out he already has one. It's worth thirty bucks -- I'll give it to you for twenty."

"I just saw the same toy on sale in the Union Station gift store for $11.99," I said. "You stole that."

He smiled.

"Okay, you got me," he said. "No, actually, what happened was that I found it outside the store, but when I went to return it, the store was already closed."

"So you scratched off the price tag and tried to sell it to a total stranger in a public bathroom for twenty bucks," I said, backing away. "Fuck off, okay? It's 2006! Leave me alone!"

"It's all about hope!" he shouted after me. "We're bringing hope back to families! Hope for America!"

"It's 2006! Die slowly!" I shouted.

He waved back, then disappeared back into his stall, ready to jump on the next poor sucker. Get ready for a long two years.

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