THE LOW POST: The Vilsack Buzz

"Okay, well, fine, I am sleeping here! Jesus, you're tough," he said. "But it's just tonight. I had a little problem."

"What kind of problem?" I asked.

"Well, here's what happened," he said. "I was up on New York Avenue with Irving Kristol last night. We were trying to buy a couple of gelcaps from this guy named Hi-Top, who Irving knew. This Hi-Top, he tells us to meet him behind a BK up there, we bring the money and he shows up, and all three of us get jumped by Rudy Giuliani's and Barack Obama's buzzes, these two big motherfuckers in black leather jackets. They take the money and the drugs and then they run away towards the Baltimore-Washington parkway. Irving says he saw them get into a blue Pontiac under the freeway. So he goes back to his car and says he thinks he knows where he can find them, and he tells me to go back to Union Station, wait for him here. He's all showing me his gun and everything, says he's going to fix those guys good. That was last night. Anyway, he hasn't showed up yet."

He took a deep breath and traced his shoe on the tile floor. "I'm beginning to worry that something happened to him," he said. "I mean, that was almost twenty-four hours ago. He won't pick up his cell phone. And I don't have any money left. My flight back to Des Moines is out of New York and don't have any way of getting up there, and --"

"Stop," I said. "Just stop."

I leaned over, put my head in my hands, and thought deeply for a moment.

"Okay," I said to Tom Vilsack's buzz. "You almost had me, but no. I refuse to listen to this. I'm just not interested. This is crazy. It's not even Thanksgiving in 2006 yet. I'm not going to spend even one more second thinking about the 2008 elections. Not one second, do you hear me, you asshole? You people are all out of your fucking minds. All of you! Elections in Japan take six weeks! And don't think I don't know you didn't cook up this story just for my benefit. Tom Vilsack's buzz, getting jobbed in an East DC smack deal by an American Enterprise Institute fellow and punched in the eye in an alley by Rudy Giuliani's buzz? That's very clever, but I'm just not listening to it. Okay? It's 2006. I'm going to finish my little post-election wrapup here in Washington, go up to Boston, have turkey with my family, and I'll see all you assholes in sixteen months or so. Okay?"

Tom Vilsack's buzz sagged, looking crestfallen.

"You mean it?" he said. "You really think Irving was in on it?"

"Of course, he was in on -- !" I started to shout. "No. Wait. I don't care. I don't care if he was in on it! I'm just going to back out of this bathroom now. Okay?"

I stood there panting, eyes wild, glaring at him.

"Okay, I hear you," he said finally. "But before you go, can I have the six dollars?"

I squinted.

"Dammit!" I said. "Okay, out of curiosity, what do you need the six dollars for?"

"I figured I'd take a cab across town and try to get a mention in Wonkette," he said plaintively. "Do you think you can help me get into Wonkette?"

I answered without thinking. "You're asking the wrong person. I don't have any traction with Wonkette."

"That's too bad. How about Kos? Do you know anyone who knows Markos Moulitsas? Maybe if I had six dollars, I could go find Markos Moutlitsas."

"Hold on," I said, eyeing him. "Are you Tom Vilsack's buzz -- or are you his Internet buzz?"

"I'm both," he said. "We can't afford separate buzzes. Not yet, anyway."