The Fear Factor

Cheney Shoots Daughter!
BILL MAHER, comedian
(1) Bin Laden will be captured and we will discover a detailed plan of the next Al Qaeda strike as well as an entire album of color photos of Tom and Katie's baby.
(2) A terrorist plot to blow up the World Series will be foiled through a warrantless wiretap on the bullpen phone.
(3) John Mark Karr says Ted Kennedy put him up to it.
(4) Arrange for Iran to retake the hostages.
(5) Change the name of October to "9/11."
(6) To rally the religious right, Dick Cheney shoots his lesbian daughter in the face, accidentally.
(7) Announce that Saddam has escaped. And that he supports Ned Lamont.
(8) Finally admit global warming is caused by humans -- specifically, by the Dixie Chicks.
(9) Update the phrase "cut and run Democrats" to "fuck and run Democrats."
(10) Who needs an October Surprise when you've got Diebold?

Rumsfeld Fired!
JOHN BATISTE, retired major general who led Army's First Infantry Division in Iraq
Replacing Donald Rumsfeld would instill confidence in the American people. Putting aside politics completely, the guy has so much baggage with respect to failed policy, bad decision-making and taking us to war with the wrong plan that we really have no alternative but to hold him accountable for the fiasco in Iraq. We need a new strategy: We have to get serious about training and equipping Iraqi security forces and consider other alternatives for governing Iraq. But none of this will happen until we get rid of Rumsfeld -- his arrogance will probably stand in the way of him doing the right thing and stepping down on his own.

Condi Becomes Vice President!
FRANK RICH, "New York Times" columnist
One thing that everyone agrees on is that Rumsfeld has got to go. He's a dead man walking. Bush is loyal, but I think when it's up to protecting himself, ruthlessness can prevail. It could be a win-win situation, depending on who they get to replace him. My guess would be someone above reproach -- maybe a Democrat. I've also heard the scenario where Cheney would go and they'd make Condi Rice vice president. She's the only person in the administration with any popularity.

Another October Surprise would be coming up with some band-aid for Iraq, some bogus troop withdrawal -- like cutting back drastically to 50,000 troops. No matter how they slice it, Iraq is the real problem. What else does Bush have to play with? There's nothing dramatic that can happen with the economy. He can't magically rebuild New Orleans.

The President Comes Clean!
AL FRANKEN, comedian
They should have gotten rid of Rumsfeld two years ago -- but if they do that now, it's admitting a mistake. And they don't like admitting mistakes. Of course, there is always that for an October Surprise: the six-hour address to the nation, where Bush says, "I really want to start over with everyone's trust, and the only way to do that is to admit every mistake I've made."

It'd be like, "First of all, I'm not going to use the word 'lie,' but we misled you on the WMD thing. And torturing people -- bad idea. Because what happens, apparently, is word gets out, and it causes resentment. Also, calling the War on Terror a crusade: That was unfortunate. In my defense, when I said it, I was not aware there had been crusades before. I was not a good student in college. I'm told now that there were actually a number of crusades. That evidently sticks in the craw of the Arab people. Had I known that, I would not have said it."

He could really take a week and spend a night on each topic. You know, the Coalition Provisional Authority and all of their mistakes, that could be a two-nighter. And by the end of the week, everyone would be going, "What a guy! We've never seen that kind of bravura performance. His command of the details of how he fucked up everything just blew us away."

The War Ends!
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, founder of the Huffington Post
Taking a page from Nixon in '68, the Bush administration will announce it has a secret plan to end the war in Iraq. They just won't let it slip that it involves selling the entire country to Halliburton.

>> Your turn: What do you predict for the October surprise? See reader responses in our National Affairs blog.