The Official GOP Debate Drinking Game Rules, Pt. 4

This isn't getting any easier.

Marco Rubio, Donald Trump and Ben Carson will square off at the fourth GOP primary debate Tuesday evening. Credit: Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty

From: Press Credentials

Good afternoon, 

If you are receiving this email we were unable to grant you a credential to cover the debate in Milwaukee on Tuesday, November 10th.  

Please let us know if you have any further questions. 

Thank you. 
GOP.com 

Dear GOP.com,

Your candidates are all mental incompetents, and the world would be a safer place if they were to fall down a cobalt mine and cannibalize one another.

Also, the race you're conducting this cycle to choose a party nominee is a train wreck unparalleled in the annals of modern democracy. There will be people laughing at your debate tonight in places like Belarus.

However, thank you for processing my request for a credential.

Sincerely,
Matt Taibbi
Rolling Stone Magazine 

"Screw your drinking game," a reader wrote to me a few weeks ago. "What are you, fifteen? I just line up shots and start downing them the minute they start talking. Because I'm depressed, you understand?" 

I understand.

Going into the Fox Business Network-hosted debate in Milwaukee tonight, there are a few major themes swirling around the campaign. Ben Carson's theories about pyramids are a hot topic, as is his anger that the mainstream press refuses to believe he tried to kill two people, including his mother.

Marco Rubio just released credit records showing he charged $3,800 worth of new flooring and a trip to Vegas on a Republican Party AmEx card, but by accident. 

And there's a general furor among the entire field over the outrageous decision by Starbucks to issue a plain red cup for the holiday season, the latest blow in our ongoing atheistic War on Christmas.

The cast is a little different tonight. Sadly, one of the consistently more amusing participants, Mike Huckabee, has been relegated to the kiddie-table debate that begins at 7:00 p.m. Less tragically, so has Chris Christie. They will join Bobby Jindal and Rick Santorum, who are apparently still running.

For the first time, two well-known candidates, Lindsey Graham and George Pataki, have been exiled from the kiddie-table debate, having been consigned to Naraka, the underworld state of torment common to the Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist and Tea Party traditions.

That leaves Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich and Rand Paul. Without further ado, here are the rules for the fourth installment of the Republican Party Presidential Debate Drinking Game.

DRINK EVERY TIME:

1. Anyone mentions stabbing, hammers, belt buckles, grain or pyramids.

2. Anyone says they would kill a "baby Hitler," or any other historically villainous baby – a baby Vlad the Impaler, for instance.

3. Donald Trump mentions his SNL appearance. Make it a double if he brags about the ratings.

4. Anyone who is not Trump mentions that leadership is not about being on SNL.

5. Anyone mentions "red cups" or the War on Christmas.

6. Anyone brings up Rubio's credit problems. Double shots for mentions of "Vegas" or "tiles."

7. Anyone hits any variation of the theme that "facts are a liberal smear conspiracy."

8. Anyone mentions "baby parts." Shot of Jager for "harvest brains."

9. Kasich seethes that everyone besides him is full of it. Drink to words like "goofy ideas" or "unrealistic plans," or if he says something like, "Why not offer everyone a free house while we're at it?"

10. Rubio says "America" more than twice in the same sentence.

11. Anyone talks about how they are the son/daughter/husband/wife of a humble bartender/maid/tow truck driver/whatever who made it because America and dreams.

12. Trump uses the words "loser," "lightweight," "disaster" or "yooge."

13. Anyone makes a gratuitous reference to the Packers, cheeseheads, Aaron Rodgers, or the Discount Double Check. Double-shot if it's that fake-ass football fan Marco Rubio.

14. Anyone strokes the wonderful union-bashing legacy of Scott Walker and the teacher-hating people of Wisconsin.

15. Carly Fiorina whips out a statistical number that is debunked within minutes by Internet fact-checkers. Double if it's that "73,000-page tax code" line she always falls back on even though nobody cares.

THE EVERGREEN RULES

ALWAYS drink, in every debate, when:

16. Trump brags about how much money he makes.

17. Anyone says, "I'm the only one on this stage who…"

18. Someone says, "Hillary lied," or something along the lines of, "None of us on this stage are the problem, the problem is with those socialists on the other side."

19. The crowd breaks into uncomfortable applause at a racist/sexist statement.

20. Any candidate evokes Nazis, the Gestapo, Neville Chamberlain, concentration camps, etc.

21. Anyone force-feeds an Israel reference into a question where it doesn't belong. As @gokzarah on Twitter calls it, this is the "Ann Coulter rule."

22. Anyone pledges to "take our country back."

23. The Jim Webb rule: a candidate complains about not getting enough time.

24. Any candidate illustrates the virtue of one of his/her positions by pointing out how not PC it is.

25. Someone invokes St. Reagan. Beware, people: This is an every time rule this time.