The number of deeply confused Americans belonging to the "Patriot Movement" – gun-toting canned-food hoarders who've persuaded themselves the country is one fist-bump away from totalitarianism – has gone through the roof. A new report from the Southern Poverty Law Center reckons there are about 1,300 "Patriot" groups in the U.S. today, up from 150 in 2008. That's insane. What's going on? The explosive surge has been "fueled by superheated fears generated by economic dislocation," says the report, "a proliferation of demonizing conspiracy theories, the changing racial makeup of America, and the prospect of four more years under a black president who many on the far right view as an enemy to their country." I have another theory: Chemtrails.