Kentucky clerk Kim Davis' attempt to turn Rowan County into a no-gay-marriage zone has failed, but conservative enthusiasm for pointless posturing about the supposed evils of homosexuality marches on. The latest target? Snack food.
Specifically, homophobic bigots are freaking out about Doritos this week, upon the news that the popular cheesy chip-maker is releasing a special rainbow-colored bag in partnership with the It Gets Better Project, a non-profit established by sex advice columnist Dan Savage to combat mental illness and suicide in LGBT youth. Conservative media is not interested in your talk of preventing youth suicide, it seems. That bag looks queer, dammit, and they will not have it.
Here are some of the more over-the-top responses.
Cheese dust will turn you kids gay
"Doritos are a product marketed to children, so they make the perfect gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality," writes Ed Straker of the ironically named American Thinker website. "What business does PepsiCo have pushing homosexuality on our kids?"
While Straker classifies the different colored Doritos – "green are homosexual, the pink are lesbian" – he fails to tell readers how many chips you have to eat in order to turn gay.
As a reminder, the It Gets Better Project is about saving young people from depression and suicide by giving them resources to survive living in homophobic families and communities.
Not getting the joke
John Nolte of Breitbart News wrote an explosive column yesterday, calling Savage an "infamous anti-Christian bully and bigot" because of Savage's reputation for irreverent mockery of homophobic politicians.
"Savage has demanded Republican presidential contender Ben Carson... 'suck his dick,'" Nolte fumed. "He's demanded the same from Republicans Herman Cain and Mike Huckabee. Savage went on a smear campaign against Rick Santorum to destroy Santorum's reputation in Google searches."
What Nolte fails to note is that Savage's remarks were in response to actual bigotry aimed at gay people. When politicians say sexual orientation is a choice, Savage invites them to suck his dick to prove it. The pranking of Santorum by associating his name with a byproduct of anal sex was Savage's response to Santorum comparing same-sex marriage to bestiality. Perhaps the new tagline for Breitbart News should be: "Able to dish it out, unable to take it."
Unable to muster an intelligent argument for why Doritos shouldn't fundraise to stop youth suicide, many conservative pundits just tried grossing you out instead. "It gets ickier: Doritos teams up with door-licking nutball Dan Savage," Michelle Malkin primly tweeted, referencing a comedy article that Savage wrote 15 years ago in which he joked about how he wished he could give anti-gay Gary Bauer the flu. (Needless to say, the common theme in anti-Savage diatribes is a complete lack of humor on the part of conservatives.)
"Here's something that you don't want to think about while snacking on your chips," Bethany Blankley of Charisma News writes. "Left out in nearly all discussions about homosexuality is the reality that sex often infects people with E. coli bacterial infections, spreads sexually transmitted diseases and can cause anal cavity bleeding and rupturing." (In reality, gay sex – which Blankley seems to believe is only anal sex – is not inherently any more dangerous than hetero sex.)
It seems homophobes have learned well from their compatriots who fight reproductive rights: If you can't win an argument with facts and logic, try turning their stomachs instead.
Conservatives have taken to Twitter with the hashtag #BoycottDoritos, so everyone can pretend for a day they're actually doing something before moving onto the next shiny outrage fodder. But for now, it's certainly a cavalcade of charming people. "What's next, rainbow Cheerios? Maybe the Doritos fag bags come with a toy dildo?" writes one thoughtful gentleman.
"I'm sick of the liberal left shoving godlessness and immorality down our throats," tweets another.
As a word of warning, you really shouldn't be shoving Doritos down your throat. Those things are sharp and can really tear up your esophagus. When eating Doritos, whether they come in the godless immorality flavor or are the just plain cheese variety, chew thoroughly, then swallow.