The Week in Weird

Hearing that PETA had decided to stage a full-frontal assault against Sean "P. Diddy" Combs for alleged mistreatment of penguins really wasn't terrifically surprising -- but we'd just assumed he'd embarrassed the hapless creatures by making them parade around wearing bird-sized renditions of his Sean John creations. The lil' fellas were spared that indignity, but were forced to huddle together on a too-small hunk of plexiglass floating in an overheated Miami Beach pool while Diddy and his pals sipped Cristal (among other ostentatious displays of misspent cash). PETA's complaints include the penguins being subjected to emotional distress and much warmer temperatures than they're used to. Combs' reps claim he wasn't responsible for dragging the critters to Florida in the first place, but didn't -- to our surprise -- trot out the old "at least he didn't pay someone to beat 'em with champagne bottles" defense . . .

While we're all in favor of extending marriage rights to just about everyone, we're beginning to think a line should be drawn in order to exclude, oh, let's say, Slipknot fans. That would put the kibosh on the frightening prospect of what the Iowan costume-rockers are calling a "maggot wedding" -- in which a pair of (to use the term loosely) "lucky" fans will be joined in holy matrimony during the band's upcoming show in Fresno, California. Admittedly, such an event would give some residents of that fair town something to distract them of being forever known solely as the raisin capital of the world -- but we're not sure anyone's fully prepared for the prospect of seeing a romantic slow dance to the strains of "New Abortion" . . .

Apparently hellbent on extending the philosophy that all you need is a rabid pack of attack lawyers, the owners of the Beatles publishing company have succeeded in wiping the work of the quasi-tribute band Beatallica off the Web. The latter group -- whose admittedly hackneyed shtick involves draping Fab Four tunes in Metallica drag -- and its Internet service provider were handed cease-and-desist orders demanding (among other things) the Beatallica site be taken down. They complied, replacing the musical content with a petition to be sent to Sony/ATV Music once enough fans sign on in protest. Oddly enough, even the ever-litigious Lars Ulrich has thrown his support behind the cover boys, a turn of events that leads us to believe that the earth is spinning off its axis a little more every day . . .

In what could be described as a rather novel approach to artist relations, Rufftown Records has filed a lawsuit against its marquee artist, butt-baring heavy-breather Adina Howard. Their charge? Apparently, Howard's just no damn good anymore. The label wants the singer to cough up ten million bucks to make up for the fact that her last album, Second Coming, didn't sell enough copies for the liking of its executives. Given the fact that Howard sang extensively about her underwear and didn't sport a stitch of clothing on the disc's cover, we'd have to rule that she did everything in her power to ensure its success.