Icons Reloaded

It's the warhorses -- Neo, Hulk, Lara -- vs. the long shots and the sequels for the dumb and dumberer. Place your bets

Peter Travers

Posted Apr 22, 2003 12:00 AM

"Upgrades." Keanu Reeves speaks the word with shock and awe in The Matrix Reloaded. As Neo, he battles cyberpunks in suits and shades who look just like the cyberpunks from the 1999 Matrix. Then one of these suckers throws him a curve. Bang! Neo's eyes light up.

I'm with you, dude. Upgrades -- the familiar fitted out with new bells and whistles -- are our best hope in a summer of sequels, prequels, remakes and rehashes. Stars aren't icons; it's the hot franchises that Hollywood greedily worships.

If the pussies who run movie studios are stingy with originality three seasons a year, they're allergic to it in summer. For them, creativity is pushing up the season to May 2nd. Then they sell, early and hard, peddling the same thing every summer weekend: the movie of your dreams. Like Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) told Neo, "The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth." That's summer, baby.

Morpheus gave Neo a choice: Take the blue pill and you buy the lies; take the red pill and you face reality. Know this about the following guide, based on what I've seen of ten films you'll be force-fed this summer: You're taking the red pill.

The Matrix Reloaded
Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss
Why the movie you most want to see may not be the summer's biggest hit
Off and running: May 15th

Position: Front-runner, at least for now. Since the first movie opened, a fan-boy cult has risen that must see, must buy, must be first at anything Matrix. No mystery. The inner geek in all of us wants to morph into Keanu Reeves as Neo. Once a lowly hacker, Neo is now the One chosen to save the world, wear great clothes, get into the latex pants of Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) and do the coolest stunts that filmmakers Andy and Larry Wachowski can dream up. For icing, The Matrix Revolutions, the third film in the trilogy, will open on November 7th. No waiting a year like you do with The Lord of the Rings or three years with Star Wars.
Trouble Spots: High expectations. Even with the evil Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) cloning himself into an army and the addition of a temptress (Monica Bellucci) for Neo and an old flame (Jada Pinkett Smith) for Morpheus, the visual punch of the first Matrix will be a bitch to upgrade. But if anyone can do it, it's the Wachowskis, despite a contract that says they never have to tell the press how they did it.
Critical Chances: Better than before. Some wags will still dis Reeves as "a monotone mook," but repeat viewings of the original show the film's mix of FX with Zen may be cannier than some of us thought.
Box-office Potential: Short of record-breaking. The first Matrix took in $171 million. Chump change when you consider that last summer's Spider-Man spun more than $400 million and Star Wars: Attack of the Clones passed $300 million. Why? They were rated PG-13 and PG. True to its dark heart, Reloaded is rated R. That means no families, no Happy Meals and no TV ads before 9 p.m. to drive sales. Variety reports that only four R-rated films have ever crested $200 million. I predict Reloaded will be the fifth. But not by as much as it should. The under-seventeens know how to buy a ticket to a PG-13 movie and sneak into an R movie, but it's the PG-13 movie that gets their dollars. Sucks, huh?

Tomb Raider 2
Angelina Jolie
What works for the Angels should work just as well for a hog-riding Angelina
Off and Running: July 25th

Position: Hot to trot. Jolie's Lara Croft, a vid-fantasy come to life with Brit accent and breasts no animator could do better, is on a new quest to find "the cradle of life," the film's highly annoying subtitle.
Trouble Spots: No one cares what her quest is. Hey, we tried the last time and were rewarded with a script that even Jolie reportedly found dull. Jan de Bont is the new director. Good; he did Speed. Bad; he also did Speed 2. Jon Voight, Jolie's real dad, offered a jolt by playing her reel dad. But he's not in the sequel. They're no longer talking. Why? That would be a more intriguing tale than any in the movie.
Critical Chances: Nil, except for Jolie, who rises above the FX muck with dignity and no loss in dazzle.
Box-office Potential: Vroom! In 2001, Lara raked in $131 million on Jolie's star power. She's still got it.

X2: X-Men United
Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry
Maybe, just maybe, the mutants of The Matrix had better watch their backs
Off and Running: May 2nd

Position: Running fast. As the first major release of summer 2003, X2 has a big advantage. It grabs us first and hard. And it really is an upgrade. In the summer of 2000, director Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects jammed everything he could from the Marvel comic into X-Men. Rallying behind Professor X (Patrick Stewart) or Magneto (Ian McKellen), mutants such as Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), Storm (Halle Berry), Rogue (Anna Paquin) and Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) fought to strut their mutant stuff. Now Singer has found his style. X2 exudes confidence.
Trouble Spots: There are even more characters in X2, including Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming) and Deathstrike (Kelly Hu), not to mention a plot to kill the president.
Critical Chances: Better than before, when a mixed reaction was the norm. Singer blends all the elements -- suspense, stunts, psychodrama -- with uncanny skill. And the actors cut deeper into their roles, notably Jackman, Berry -- her Oscar might have helped -- and Cumming, the newbie. Still, it's hard not to carp about the PG-13 rating that denies the film access to the comic book's deeper dimension.
Box-office Potential: X-ceptional. That damn PG-13 rating opens commercial doors that the R rating slams on The Matrix Reloaded. To its credit, X2 stretches that PG-13 far enough to unnerve an audience. The original conjured up $157 million. Expect X2 to improve on that, making X3 seem inevitable.

Bad Boys 2
Will Smith, Martin Lawrence
The stars step up with a bigger budget, but as a career move it's a step back
Off and Running: July 18th

Position: Sweating to keep up. It's hot in Miami, where cop pals Mike (Smith) and Marcus (Lawrence) crack a drug ring while Mike falls for Marcus' sister (Gabrielle Union), and guns and car chases helpfully drown out the dialogue.
Trouble Spots: Everywhere. It's been argued that director Michael Bay, who made his debut with the first Bad Boys, in 1995, is better at this kind of boneheaded action than he is at epic crap such as Armageddon and Pearl Harbor. Maybe so, but the first Bad Boys, came off as cheap ($23 million), fast and fun. This one stinks of wretched excess.
Critical Chances: Puh-leeze! This is a Michael Bay flick in which Smith, after taking a risk with Ali, sells out, and Lawrence, who stopped caring a while ago, breaks up a KKK rally with the line "Whoopsie daisy, it's the nigras." Depressing.
Box-office Potential: To the Miami moon, and that's even more depressing. The first film took in a modest $66 million and launched a lot of careers. What -- for this?

Legally Blonde 2
Reese Witherspoon, Luke Wilson
The comedy horse she rides in on isn't much, but Reese is one hell of a jockey
Off and Running: July 2nd

Position: As alternative programming to the testosterone of T3, it's hard to beat Ms. Witherspoon Goes to Washington. Back as Elle Woods, the smarty-pants from Harvard she played in the original, Witherspoon is in D.C. lobbying for animal rights. If that means her dog Bruiser Woods gets more scenes, she gets my vote.
Trouble Spots: The first Blonde had a plot thinner than Britney's SAT scores (sorry, I couldn't resist a blonde joke). And this is a sequel.
Critical Chances: Holes will be shot at the vehicles she travels in (Sweet Home Alabama -- what's up with that?), but Witherspoon is an indisputably adorable piece of work.
Box-office Potential: Legally Blonde did $97 million, and the public has not lost its appetite.

2 Fast 2 Furious
Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris
Speed bumps ahead, and it's not just the cutesy title and rapper-heavy cast
Off and Running: June 6th

Position: Eating dust, despite the fact that street racing is still a hot item, and this movie stakes a claim on Miami before Bad Boys 2 gets there on July 18th with bigger stars.
Trouble Spots: The first film's big draw, Vin Diesel, took off, leaving Paul Walker, the Ryan Seacrest of teen action flicks, to ride up front. Ouch! Director Rob Cohen gave the 2001 version crude energy. His replacement is John Singleton, Oscar-nominated for Boyz N the Hood. Class and Fast? Bad mix. 2 Bad.
Critical Chances: Same as roadkill.
Box-office Potential: Fast 1 drove off with $145 million. Minus Diesel fuel, it'll be lucky to fill half a tank.

American Wedding: American Pie 3
Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan
Marriage brings maturity to a sex-obsessed serial masturbator. Yeah, right.
Off and Running: August 1st

Position: Choking in the homestretch. It's titled American Wedding to prove that Jim (Biggs) is no longer the jerk who jerked off into warm pastry. By marrying Michelle (Hannigan), Jim will show his dad (the great Eugene Levy) he's a man.
Trouble Spots: The missing cast members. Seann William Scott and Thomas Ian Nicholas make the wedding, but where're Chris Klein and Mena Suvari and Tara Reid? What do they know that we don't?
Critical Chances: After Pie 1, in 1999, it's all been downhill.
Box-office Potential: Pie 1 did $102 million, Pie 2 did $145 million. Gross is gold. God, what a summer.

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
Eric Christian Olsen, Derek Richardson
Can't afford Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels? Cast a prequel with unknowns
Off and Running: June 13th

Position: Limping in the backstretch. June 13th is how the date is spelled in the ads. The guys are dumb, get it? The movie is set in the 1980s, when Harry (Richardson) met Lloyd (Olsen) in high school.
Trouble Spots: Everywhere you look. Olsen mugs like Carrey, Richardson slouches like Daniels.
Critical Chances: The Washington Post called the first Dumb "an execrable catalog of doody jokes." Reviews won't get much kinder.
Box-office Potential: In 1994, Carrey and Daniels scored $127 million in the name of stupidity. This downgrade will tank, force Hollywood to stop making sequels and inspire fresh thinking. At least that's the way it goes in my Matrix.

The Long Shot: Seabiscuit
Tobey Maguire bets on riding this horse to glory
Off and Running: July 25th

Position: Gaining. It sounds sappy -- a hard-luck jockey riding a broken-down horse. But the film is based on a nonfiction best seller by Laura Hillenbrand that rang true in every detail from stable to saddle. The casting is note-perfect: Tobey Maguire as the jockey, Jeff Bridges as the horse owner, Chris Cooper as the trainer, and five horses to play Seabiscuit, written off as a knobby-kneed nag until he started winning races and turned Depression-era America into his cheering section.
Trouble Spots: Is director Gary Ross (Pleasantville) strong enough to take the film down the dark alleys that the book did? The trailer is a bit too misty-eyed.
Critical Chances: If the sentiment is honestly earned, Seabiscuit could be that rare summer movie that gets remembered at Oscar time.
Box-office Potential: Unlimited. How can anyone resist Rocky on the hoof?

The Dark Horse: 28 Days Later
Danny Boyle's zombie flick is a runaway winner
Off and Running: June 27th

Position: In the back stretch, which makes you root for it more. Shot on digital video with good actors instead of stars -- screw the buggers! -- the movie is smart, funny, visionary and scary enough to fry your nerves to a frazzle. Director Danny Boyle mixes up a devilish brew of zombies and this-just-in paranoia about chemical warfare. Here's a taste of plot: A virus has decimated Britain. Twenty-eight days later, Jim (Cillian Murphy) wakes up naked and alone in a London hospital. Looking for survivors, he meets Selena (Naomi Harris), a hottie who teaches him how to dispatch the living dead, just folks before hell broke loose. Now if they even slobber on you, you're a pissed-off cannibal in twenty seconds.
Trouble Spots: The end is nowhere as nerve-rattling as the brilliant beginning. To which I say, so what?
Critical Chances: After the ignominy of The Beach, the Danny Boyle of Trainspotting and Shallow Grave is back. The scenes of London as a graveyard belong in a time capsule.
Box-office Potential: It's up to you. Resist the zombies of Hollywood.

The Also-rans: Getting Bad Buzz
A whisper from inside the editing room. An Internet roar about a bad test screening. Or maybe the trailer just sucks. Here are four summer movies fighting toxic buzz:

Gigli
August 1st
This is the movie where Ben (Affleck) met J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez). Cupid struck, despite the fact that he plays a macho hood and she plays a lesbian. Dire reports from previews hinted that all the hot action must have taken place off-camera. Zero chemistry. Reshoots have been done. Title changes were considered. How about Tough Love? No, they went back to Gigli, the name of Affleck's character. A word of cheer: Titanic had worse buzz.

From Justin to Kelly
June 13th
This isn't the movie where Justin Guarini met Kelly Clarkson. They bonded on Fox's American Idol, when Kelly took first place and Justin was runner-up. An idea was hatched: Let's rush-job a musical starring the two as lovers and set it on Miami's South Beach. Selected scenes, bad ones, were shown on the big-ratings Idol. Zero chemistry. The numbers played like a nightmarish blend of Grease and a less-hip Beach Blanket Bingo. Idol has stopped showing clips. Why promote your own bad buzz?

Bruce Almighty
May 23rd
Jim Carrey can't catch a break these days. You don't bounce back easily from a fiasco like The Majestic, not if audience reaction to the trailer of Bruce is any indication. Carrey plays a TV reporter who gets a chance to sit in for God, played by Morgan Freeman (good casting). Bruce can do anything he wants. So his girlfriend (Jennifer Aniston) looks down and says, "Are my breasts bigger?" These are the jokes.

Pirates of the Caribbean
July 9th
Pirate movies tank on a regular basis. But Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom have hitched their stars to a $100 million-plus "Ahoy, matey" epic based on a Disney theme-park ride. Need I say more?

The Sequel-bucking Broncos

"Not a sequel" -- the words are a badge of honor in the summer of 2003. Even if a few of these films limp to the finish line, they deserve a salute just for going it alone.

Hollywood Homicide
June 13th
It's just a simple action-comedy about two Beverly Hills cops, played by Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett, who moonlight doing silly jobs. Ford and director Ron Shelton recently screened a half-hour of the movie for the press. We saw nothing digital, nothing creature-related, nothing taking place in an imaginary universe. The audience looked stunned. "Do you think we have a chance this summer?" Ford asked. He wasn't kidding.

Le Divorce
August 8th
Naomi Watts, who is always a sexy, scrappy treat, plays an American in Paris who seeks moral support from her sister (Kate Hudson) when her French husband wants a divorce. Merchant-Ivory is the ideal team to do sophisticated justice to Diane Johnson's diamond-bright 1997 novel.

The Magdalene Sisters
July 18th
Set in Ireland in the Sixties, this hypnotic hellraiser from Peter Mullan concerns the "good" sisters who helped bad girls atone for sins by making them slaves in the convent laundry. Geraldine McEwan is a fierce, funny marvel as the Nurse Ratched of nuns.

Camp
July 25th
A richly entertaining musical, made for petty cash, about New York kids (ages six to sixteen) who attend show-tune camp and freak out about sex and Sondheim. Todd Graff's film is hilarious and heartfelt.

Wonderland
August
Val Kilmer stars as John Holmes, the late porn king whose giant member penetrated countless orifices, but whose giant mistake was pushing drugs in L.A. and getting accused of murder. Interested?

American Splendor
August 15th
Summer goes out on a glorious high thanks to Harvey Pekar, the comic-book writer and poet of the pissed-off, played to perfection by Paul Giamatti. This movie, one of the year's best and boldest, keeps throwing delicious curves. It also provokes me to think the unthinkable: Will there be a sequel?

(RS 922, April 22, 2003)