Well Hung at Dawn

7:55 p.m.: Well OK . . . thanks to Paul Tagliabue, various right-wing fuckwits and cowering CBS execs, the show's already started. So we've got a little time to kill.

7:56: Two words: Gay Penguins.

7:57: Would this be a bad time to joke about the baby with the two heads? We imagine the surgery went something like a classic/cliched bomb squad action movie scene. "Do I cut the red one, or the blue one?" Wrong!

8:00: Cue wavy lines and let's go back in time, say, five minutes. The show opens and, wait a sec, who dat? Oh yeah, Prince! We remember him. We loved him once, but that was a long, long, long time ago. But it's still good to see the little guy. And he's actually playing the guitar! Probably had to promise not to do any twenty-five-minute jazz/funk solos.

8:01: Prince is dueting with . . . Sheila E? Sheena Easton? Carmen Electra? . . . Nope, Beyonce! Who is more than just a little overrated, but -- don't know if you've noticed -- something of a piece of ass. We understand this duet came about when Prince knocked on her door last Tuesday, trying to make her a Jehovah's Witness.

8:04: Beyonce has absolutely no funk whatsoever. Great legs though. Wonder what Prince is standing on to look taller than her?

8:05: Check out the rack on Justin Trousersnake's mom. And she's about our age.

8:06: Credits: Jack Black. Jack White. The Black Eyed Peas. The White Eyed Peas. Jackson Browne. Adam Green. Jacob Dylan. Jesse Dylan. Earth Wind and Fire. The O'Jays. L.A. Reid (You're fired!) . . . Amy Lee (What's with the solo credit? Has the band already broken up?). So far, we don't want to have sex with any of these people. Certainly not Sarah Jessica Parker. Maybe Andre. Oh, OK, Paulina Rubio. And Marg Helgenberger.

8:07: Timothy B. Schmit! Now we're talking Grammys! Amber Tamblyn! So basically, Marg and Amber have replaced Kevin James and Leah Remini. We approve. And look, the USC Trojan Marching Band. You know what that means: Tusk!

8:08: Our first presenters are two truly mediocre talents, Gwen Stefani, and from TV's Alias, Quentin Tarantino. Q is so "street," pointing out that the Grammys are "the bomb." Ever the cineaste, he also notes Purple Rain is one of the greatest rock & roll movies ever made. Sure, if you cut out everything but the music. And Morris. He was cool.

8:09: OK, first award, Contemporary R&B. We're rooting for Ashanti's Chapter II, since we're big Neil Simon guys, but we've been over this in Well Hung Grammy columns past: You perform, you win. Ergo, Beyonce.

8:10: Beyonce's shocked. She thanks her 900 producers and says it was her "first record as a solo artist," which is not what Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams told us. You know what would be cool? Having sex with her. Quentin appears to be ogling her, but what he's really thinking is, "Beyonce's hot, but she's no Margaret Cho.

8:11: Look -- a gay penguin! Is Ellen doing her Finding Nemo shtick, or is this just her usual not-funny self? It's kind of hard to tell. And how come she doesn't get to come out with an overrated independent film director too? Like, say, Todd Solondz.

8:12: Ah, it was forty years ago today. Um, if the Beatles thing is at 8:12, what the hell's gonna happen at 10:30? We'll tell you what: lots of TVs turning off before the Sonny Rollins tribute.

8:13: Sting, Vince Gill, Dave Matthews and Pharrell Williams -- yes, after last year's half-decent Strummer supergroup, the Grammys are back to being Grammys. This is more like a tribute to Gerry and the Pacemakers. If Paul was watching this he'd be very unamused.

8:14: Sure, make the black guy sit in the back. That's the Producer of the Year hiding behind the drum kit, but you'd never know it. We understand the Nizeptunes are doing the next Dave Matthews record. In fact, next year, all records will be produced by them.

8:15: Coming up, the Foo Fighters with Chick Corea, which just might be the stupidest idea we've ever heard. We understand Taylor had been hoping for Keith Jarrett. He's a big fan of The Koln Concert.

8:16: What you missed thanks to the delay: Dave Matthews took out his cock. Fucking massive. And, being South African, an anteater.

8:17: Target commercials still rule. Y'know what Cornershop are gonna do with the money? Buy some weed.

8:20: Queen Latifah's pumped that Barbershop 2 just won the weekend -- more proof that America really doesn't give a shit about hockey. She should have come out with, oh, Rebecca Miller.

8:21: We can't believe we said Christina was hot last year, 'cause generally speaking she is soooooo not. Still has a pieced clit though.

8:22: Hmmh, she's backed by a gospel choir! How inventive. And yet, still more interesting than Foo Fighters.

8:24: Know what this performance makes us think of? Gay penguins. And is that Pharrell Williams playing drums? Christina would get voted off American Idol. In fact, we wish Simon was there right now.

8:26: No Doubt win Best Pop Vocal, Duo or Group for a song neither of us have ever heard. Erm, when did Trey Anastasio join the band? And what's with the mohawk? No Doubt and Linda Perry -- both up-to-the-minute fashion icons.

8:27: You think Tony Kanal even has Gwen's phone number, or does he have to go through management?

8:28: Ellen again? No wait, it's Beck, introducing the White Stripes. It'd be cool if they had a whole bunch of people dressed in red and white on stage.

8:29: So, just to be clear -- it's not a bass. And the White Stripes are the greatest band ever -- until about forty minutes into the set, when the samey factor makes it boring.

8:31: We'd also like to say thumbs up to the concept of "Meg with a stylist," and give her a Well Hung Grammy -- no, two Well Hung Grammys! -- for "Best Alternative Cans."

8:32: Clive Davis is in the audience thinking, "This sucks. You're all fired."

8:36: They are giving the Funk Brothers a lifetime achievement award, which we are down with. Terry Funk and Dory Funk Jr. are not only great Texans, but truly legends of our sport. Huzzah to them both!

8:36: Best Rap Album goes to OutKast. Lots of white people get up and applaud. We expected Dre to be wearing something a bit snazzier, but he does give the best speech in Grammy history: "Thank you." No, thank you.

8:37: Coming up, a once in a lifetime performance by Celine Dion and Alicia Keys, celebrating Luther Vandross. Once seems like a bit much.

8:38: All this talk of Luther Vandross reminds us, whatever happened to the Strokes?

8:47: Jakob Dylan, Amber Tamblyn, Amy Lee. One is a big Jew, one talks to God, and one loves Jesus -- or used to, anyway. We think they just did a tribute to Goffin and King, but we sneezed, so who can really be sure?

8:48: Best Male Pop Vocal. Trousersnake. Maybe he'll whip out one of his mom's big jugs.

8:49: "I've been a Warren Zevon fan ever since I was a little kid. I believe 'Carmelita' is the greatest song ever written." OK, that's not what Justin really said -- actually he totally wussed out, apologizing for "the incident." "Unintentional, completely regrettable and I apologize if you guys were offended." Fuck you, Justin. As far as we're concerned, you are no longer an honorary Lip.

8:50: He also said, "This is officially the greatest moment of my life." Dude, you had sex with Britney Spears!

8:55: Alicia Keys. "Dear Diary, Clive called. He wants me to add more strings and maybe a gospel choir . . ."

8:58: Alicia Keys is old school -- more like a kid from Fame than an American Idol. Boy is she dull. That record tanked, right?

9:00: One person who won't be winning a Grammy: Michael's neighbor who isn't supposed to play the piano this time of night.

9:01: All right, Celine and Richard Marx! Talk about water finding its own level. He was no John Waite or Corey Hart, but he looks good for a man his age.

9:02: Celine with mike problems. Almost proof there is a God.

9:03: Yeah, when you think romantic, get-down-with-your-woman soul music, you think Celine Dion. Good thing Luther is too stroked out to be offended.

9:04: If it's a tribute to Luther, then why are they showing Randy Jackson on the screen? Really, this is sad -- like when they drag out Kirk Douglas at the Oscars.

9:05: We're still puzzled by this Foo Fighters/Chick Corea thing. What's next, Blink-182 and Lenny Tristano? Nickelback and the Rova Saxophone Quartet? Hoobastank with Archie Shepp?

9:07: If Tommy Chong has a TV in prison, you just know he's thinking, "Oh well, at least I'm not playing Tyne Daly's love interest on Judging Amy.

9:08: It's Kevin Smith shilling a DVD Recorder. That seems wrong, but OK -- we're gonna run off some dubs of the Clerks cartoons right now!

9:09: Madonna. You'd never catch her with a minor independent film director. No way! Is she here to make out with someone? Show her tits? "You can't imagine what an honor it is to introduce the next performer . . . Timothy B. Schmit!"

9:10: Nope, it's Sting and Sean Paul, taking cod reggae to a new level. Shouldn't Chick Corea be with this band? Christ, we'd rather have sex for thirty hours than listen to Sting do the mid-tempo "Roxanne" thing for the hundredth time.

9:11: One word for Sean Paul: Snow.

9:12: Listening to this shite makes us think: "I and I have been in Babylon too long."

9:13: Best Female Pop Vocal. We think Christina's pierced tit fell out, but we closed our eyes, on purpose.

9:19: Wouldn't it be cool if the Willie Nelson doll came to life and went on a killing spree, like Chucky or the little African guy in Trilogy of Terror?

9:20: It occurs to us that we don't watch a single show on CBS prime time. The entire lineup is essentially Matlock, only a few years younger, with more chicks.

9:21: And, straight outta Clown College, it's Sarah Jessica Parker -- who, in three weeks, we will never have to see again. She makes us want to have sex with a penguin.

9:22: Time for Trousersnake, who seems to be modeling his entire look after Chris Martin. This song stinks of Gregg Alexander. In the future, all songs will be produced by the Nizeptunes and written by Gregg Alexander.

9:24: Much as we hate Latin jazz, we feel bad for Arturo Sandoval. Also, Pharrell Williams might be playing drums.

9:25: Justin is Jamiroquai without the hat. He's makes like he's really playing piano. Sure . . . and so's that guy, and that guy, and that guy, and that guy.

9:26: We're back with Ellen, who just phoned home to make sure her girlfriend remembers to set the Tivo for The L Word.

9:27: It's time to give the Beatles the prestigious President's Award. The whole audience is murmuring through Olivia Harrison's speech. What, did Ellen's boob fall out? Oh, the humanity!

9:29: "If John was here tonight," Yoko says. Hey, if John were here tonight, he would soooo not be here tonight!

9:30: Hey, it's Ringo. Gear!

9:31: And who's that old woman pretending to be Paul?

9:31: Um, where's the "earlier on the Grammys Award" bumper? Sure, we already know Jimmy Sturr picked up another one, but doesn't he deserve some TV time?

9:37: Black Eyed Peas. They're like the Roots, only much, much worse. "Speaking to what's going on, this is a timely song that ask the question, where's the love y'all?"

9:38: We'll tell ya where the love is . . . Michael Jackson's pants.

9:39: "People killing people/children dying." Not exactly the new Marvin Gaye.

9:40: And um, we know we say this every year, but how 'bout some awards on our Awards show? That's why the Golden Globes are the best. Celebrities sitting around tables, getting loaded. That's good TV right there.

9:41: It's Keith Urban -- they named the radio format for him, you know. He's with violinist Joshua Bell and giving Van Cliburn his two seconds of Grammy Lifetime Achievement.

9:42: Cut to Van and his "friend." Those are some seriously gay penguins!

9:44: All right, good for June Carter Cash, though we don't think she's actually laughing and dancing somewhere. See, she's dead.

9:46: Coming up next, Evanescence and Matthew Shipp.

9:47: Saturn's "This Guy's In Love With You" commercial -- best music we've heard all night, including "Seven Nation Army."

9:51: Please welcome Cuba Gooding Jr. -- (wait for it) . . . Show us the money! He's actually pissed he couldn't be in St. Paul for the NHL All-Star Game.

9:52: Beyonce. It's one of those living tableaux deals. Of a painting by JJ on Good Times.

9:56: Sean Astin. A hot dog makes his mother lose control. He's honoring Artie Shaw, who not only ruled but got a lot of ass.

9:57: Now Norah Jones (who looks like she just walked in from her secretarial job) is honoring Marian McPartland, who we understand will be performing with Avril Lavigne later in the show.

9:59: Best New Artist. Never mind that Fountains of Wayne have been around longer than June Carter Cash.

10:00: Look, there's Fiddy Cent. He got robbed -- which is an interesting irony, because it's usually the other way around. He's gonna put a cap in Amy Lee's ass.

10:02: Isaac Mizrahi's also taping The L Word. Incidentally, so is Michael. You'd think at our age, chicks kissing would've worn thin. But you'd be wrong.

10:06: So R. Kelly can be at the Grammys but Janet Jackson can't? Good thing he only had sex with teenage girls (allegedly) or his career would be over.

10:07: Samuel L. Jackson brings in da noise and da funk. Think he gets his Kangol hats for free?

10:08: We have no complaints about this number. Earth Wind and Fire kick ass, and they did it without a gospel choir or Pharrell Williams on drums. And lookee, it's the great Farnsworth Bentley! Michael needs one of those umbrellas.

10:13: Robert Randolph is like Evanescence -- his Jesus thing? Not so important anymore.

10:16: Is that Bootsy with the P-Funk All-Stars, or the Bootsy impersonator?

10:19: What's interesting is, all these people were once signed to Paisley Park. Except for Lili Haydn. But we're sure Prince would have sex with her if he got the chance.

10:20: Clearly, OutKast aren't gonna play together. Had to get Big Boi on the show somehow.

10:25: "What happens when you put one of rock's most explosive bands with a jazz legend?" We're certainly not gonna find out tonight. Instead, we get to see rock's most simple band play with a jazz legend!

10:27: Hey, Eleven-time Grammy winner Chick Corea brought his Tivo with him -- he's taping The Forsyte Saga II on Masterpiece Theatre.

10:28: We'd like to note that Chick Corea has played with John McLaughlin and as such, doesn't need to jam with former members of No Use For a Name!

10:29: Speaking of names, we have one for our new band: Are You Ready for Me Ralph? Look for us on tour this spring with Death Cab and Kweller.

10:30: Jesus, Foo Fighters blow. This segment is totally ill-conceived. It's like they're playing two records at the same time.

10:31: Oh, and we forgot to mention: Grohl was offended about Janet's booby. What a pussy.

10:33: Mary J. Blige does in fact tell us that Nizeptunes won Producer of the Year -- the only time on the entire show that they tell us who won an award from the non-televised shindig. Look, it's the other guy from the Nizeptunes -- Chad? Bill? Gord?

10:34: Kenny Loggins looks even better than Richard Marx.

10:35: An actual important award: Record of the Year. And it's "Clocks." Hey, we know those dudes. And Jason just won seven dollars on an online gambling site!

10:36: Sure, only the friggin' British people have the balls to say something about Kerry. We'd worry that Coldplay won't be allowed in the country again, except that Bush is gonna lose. La la la!

10:39: It's Missy Elliot and Tony Bennett, who we understand are dating. They introduce Sarah McLachlan and eighteen-time Grammy winner Alison Krauss. Eighteen times! She's the bluegrass Jimmy Sturr! Also, she can really wail.

10:42: Sarah has big Canadian hips. Blame it on the poutine.

10:44: Sharon and Ozzy. Hey Ozzy, show us your tits!

10:45: Best Rock Duo or Group With Vocal. Accepting for Warren Zevon is his son, Billy Corgan. Thank Michael Krumper! Thank Michael Krumper!

10:47: Come to think of it, nobody's thanked their product manager, or their A&R guy or Jeebus or Jehovah or anyone amusing. This might be the worst award show ever. 'Cause there's no friggin awards!

10:54: Dead people. Does Elliot Smith make the cut?

10:56: Yup, but let's be honest -- he's just about the least significant person in a montage that includes Bobby Hatfield, Hank Ballard, Tony Thompson, Compay Segundo, Felice Bryant and many other greats. One exception: John Guerin. Who he? Is he related to Bill?

10:57: In fact, while we're on the subject, Warren Zevon -- who we've loved since we were little boys -- is not especially significant compared to many of those people. Why no Robert Palmer tribute?

10:58: See, we love Warren a lot, but he was always a dark, cynical bastard. Cancer made him saintly and boring, and his Grammys feel like a Miramax Oscar campaign. Classy, perhaps deserving, but exceedingly orchestrated.

10:59: And if we were about to die we would not let Billy Bob on our record. Or in the same room with us.

11:00: Gotta love the Monster commercial with "I Dig You." Remember when Robert Smith denied it was him?

11:01: "That's groovy oh yeah." Good tune.

11:02: Why isn't this show over yet? No awards, and yet it never ends. We've seen wrestling pay-per-views that went on for less time.

11:03: Andy Williams should have hosted this year. Oddly, we didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River" and then . . . bam, he didn't! He's only here to fete Pierre Cossette. All right -- let's hear it for the aging little French-Canadian man! We're betting he let one of his kids run the show this year.

11:04: It's been three hours and four minutes -- sorry, three hours and nine minutes. Shouldn't someone be up there telling us not to download music?

11:05: Two-second tribute time again, this time for Orrin Keepnews. Most important person we've seen all night. He started Riverside Records, how cool is that?

11:08: Song of the Year, a win for Richard Marx. He'd like to thank his father, Gummo. Bonus Trivia Question: name one of Richard Marx's hits? We tried, but couldn't -- can you?

11:09: And here's Carmen Romano, Luther Vandross' business manager. "The song has touched so many of our lives." Yeah, except for us, and everybody reading this here column.

11:10: NARAS prez Neil Portnow has a complaint. Word of advice: If you go to his house for dinner, don't eat the liver.

11:11: Ah, we're going to cloak the anti-downloading rant in a seemingly honorable speech about funding for the arts and searching for "tools of mass education and cultural enlightenment."

11:12: "Tonight, we're announcing a new program. We are suing each and every one of you."

11:13: www.whatsthedownload.com? It's a joke right?

11:14: Apparently not.

11:16: See, it's downloading that's killing music (along with home taping, natch). It has nothing to do with music industry that doesn't sign interesting bands, or promote them properly when someone does. It's only about the stuff that Clive wants to hear. Oh, and Clear Channel, they suck too.

11:20: Time for "Hey Ya!" Shouldn't Jack Black be forced to give Conan royalties for his lame-ass introduction?

11:21: If we're getting Dre and Ko at this hour, we know what's winning Album of the Year. Hey, here's a crazy notion -- why not reverse the order? Give out the damn award first, then let the winner play.

11:22: We dig that Andre. He nutty.

11:23: Technically, you're not supposed to shake the Polaroid, though you can blow on it a little bit.

11:24: Carlos Santana and Faith Hill, who we thought was sentenced to rehab after her little drug bust a couple of weeks back. When are she and Tim gonna make a show like Newlyweds for CMT?

11:25: Faith -- along with most of the room -- has no idea who Sonny Rollins is. Fortunately, Carlos does.

11:26: OutKast wins Album of the Year. Finally, the Grammys acknowledge hip-hop that white people can relate to!

11:28: Finally, someone thanks The Most High and we don't mean Quentin Tarantino!

11:29: "Stankonia's not our first album," Dre lectures. "Do the history." Damn straight, people. We suggest you go illegally download Atliens and Aquamini right this minute! As for us, we're going to go watch The Simpsons and Arrested Development. See you at the MTV Movie Awards!

E-mail Well Hung (Note: letters may be printed on the WHAD Message Board).

JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(February 10, 2004)

[The above are the opinions of Cohen and Krugman and are not necessarily endorsed by the editors of Rolling Stone or whatsthedownload.com.]