The Week in Weird

Considering the fact that Christina Aguilera has done her best to transform herself into a doppelganger for one of those blow-up dolls once advertised in the backs of certain gentlemen's magazines, we're not all that surprised that an enterprising lady is returning the favor. Dollmaker Tina Lia has taken to eBay with a line of "adult novelties" designed in Christina's image. The figurines in question started life as Rio de Janeiro Barbie dolls, but got Aguilera-fied via enhancements such as a skimpy halter top, skankily streaked hair and -- in a case of art imitating life perfectly -- "full facial repaint with varnish seal." Ms. Lia's ads suggest the plastic replicas of Ms. A are "not for play," so we'd suggest waiting a few months to order -- after all, the flesh and blood version once said the same thing . . .

Ozzy Osbourne's sons, apparently operating under the impression that their dear old dad is capable of maneuvering it into a lock of some sort, are campaigning to have him be awarded the key to the city of his birth. Lovable scamp Jack Osbourne and his somewhat less adorable half-brother Louis are beating the bushes back in Birmingham for Ozzy to be given the honor, and a local politician named Tony Kennedy is throwing his weight behind the effort as well -- although we'd bet Kennedy would be singing a different tune if a key to the town hall bathroom was part of the deal . . .

We were always kind of baffled at the degree to which David Crosby's procreative skills endeared him to celebrity lesbians, although the idea of raising a child capable of sporting a handlebar moustache before hitting junior high might be appealing to some. But the latest issue of Biography magazine tips us off that the round mound of Woodstock town is actually just the latest branch on a family tree that's well-rooted in American history, what with two of Crosby's ancestors represented among the signers of the Declaration of Independence. Yep, Philip Livingston and William Floyd -- both of whom put their John Hancocks on the document -- can be credited with passing DNA on to the walrus-like folkie. And if he was still in possession of his original liver, they could trace a meandering line back to Samuel Adams as well . . .

While visions of headlines screaming "Dog Bites Man!" danced in front of our eyes when we got wind of the fact that Irv Gotti was busted for possession of a tab of ecstasy at an R. Kelly concert in Oakland last weekend, we were tickled pink to hear that the Murder Inc. main man was also packing special enhancement for his "hard" image. The artist formerly known as Irving Lorenzo, it seems, totes a vial of Viagra whenever he leaves the house, as cops revealed when detailing the contents of Gotti's pockets for public record. We'd suggest Gotti not flash the little blue diamond around too much should he actually face any time behind bars for this latest bust, but he'd probably just think we were trying to get a rise out of him.

DAVID SPRAGUE
(August 22, 2003)