It's Not Easy Being Tom Green

When Tom Green woke up this morning, he was at his beach house, the skies were blue, the air was chilly, and Drew Barrymore was in bed beside him. Now, a few hours later, wearing layers of disheveled clothing, he gazes out from beneath a mop of long brown hair and offers a sheepish smile between sips of coffee. "Things are going well. Yes, I'd have to say that," he says.

In the past year, the Canadian-born comic, 29, has survived testicular cancer, escaped a horrific house fire and married his girlfriend of a year and a half, Drew Barrymore - or not (it's unclear whether or not they should be believed, since over the last year, they have made two previous claims to have wed). Green also stars in, directed and co-wrote Freddy Got Fingered - a seriously gross teen movie out April 20, which The Hollywood Reporter called "quite possibly the worst comedy ever made" - about an aspiring animator who moves back home with his parents.

In person, Green is mellower than you might expect for a guy who put a severed cow's head in his parents' bed and videotaped their reaction for his MTV comedy show. Barrymore has been a strong influence. When she interrupts a discussion about the most disgusting parts of Freddy with a call to his cellphone, he wraps up the conversation by saying "I love you."

Are you really married?

Yeah.

I have serious doubts.

It's official.

When did the marriage happen?

A couple of weeks ago. We did it privately, and we didn't even make a big deal about it. Drew and I wanted it to be something just between us, because we are very much in love with each other and don't feel like it's something we need to share with everyone. And also after the house burned down and Drew lost everything she owned, she was extremely upset. It's time to be private.

Where?

These days, I'm starting to get uncomfortable talking about the personal stuff. I still consider myself to be this goofball from Canada, but Drew has been in movies her whole life and is more careful.

How did you propose?

It was on a beach. A beach we'd gone to on weekends. She'd just gone away on a survival trip to Utah for Marie Claire magazine and had to live in the desert for four days with Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu. While she was gone, I thought about it and bought a ring. When she got back, I think she felt a bit of nervous energy coming off me - probably the same nervous energy you're feeling coming off right now.

Was it a big wedding?

You have to honestly believe that we don't want to make a big deal out of it. We figured out a way of getting married without people finding marriage licenses and things like that. I can say we didn't get married in the country or on the continent. And I don't want to go any further than that.

Did you take photos?

We have our personal stuff.

In your favor, you are wearing a wedding ring.

It's a simple platinum band. I've never worn jewelry before, so I've been playing with it a lot. I worry about losing it.

How was your wedding night?

Sure, yeah, the wedding night. If you want a little tidbit, I was actually going to say the wedding night was the night the house burned down. It was the heat from my loins that caused the blaze.

I'm still not completely convinced that you're married.

I'm actually somewhat proud you don't believe me. No one knows anymore. Which is so cool. And that's the way I'd like it.

OK, the gossip is out of the way; now we can discuss some of the gross stuff in your movie.

My main thing from day one was keeping the 10 or 15 key moments I really love in the movie. I wanted to jump around in the deer carcass. I wanted to be able to whack off the horse. I wanted to swing the baby around by the umbilical cord and bite the cord in half. I wanted to whack off the elephant. And so on. I'm very happy with the movie right now. What's the importance of masturbating the horse? I wanted to put something like that in right off the top to let our audience know that this isn't going to be a sell-out movie. I wanted it clear that I was going to go for it.

What's funny about swinging the baby by its umbilical cord?

It's a matter of taste. In some of the screenings, people walked out at that part. That's cool. I got a reaction.

You gut a deer and then jump into its carcass. That had to be fake, right?

The deer was, but we used real pig guts from a butcher shop. Initially, we had fake, rubber guts, but I wanted it to look authentic.

Isn't there anything too gross for you?

Well, I wouldn't kill a real deer. I wouldn't swing a real baby over my head. It's more about ethically what I would or wouldn't do. It's certainly not about gross. I would probably put anything in my mouth that wouldn't hurt me.

Were you surprised when the studio said they would make the movie?

I was more surprised when they let me direct it.

The movie is filled with rage. Are you?

I experienced the frustration of wanting to be a comedian and my parents thinking that it was a cuckoo dream and maybe I should move out of the basement and do something else. Kids get angry at their parents, and I had my moments - not to this degree, of course.

You're close to your parents, aren't you?

Yes. I talk to them a couple times a week. I love them.

Have they seen the movie?

Not yet.

How do you think they will react?

After I wrote the first draft, I was up in Canada, and they went through my bag to find it because they knew it was about parents. They'd just gone through a period where they were fed up with my show invading their privacy and felt they were never going to be able to live a normal retired life without a camera barging through the door. That first draft had some stuff in it where I stormed into my real parents' house and asked them graphic questions - the stuff I'd just agreed would never happen again. But I decided against using that in the end. I think they're still nervous, but they're coming to the premiere.

Drew has a small part in the film. What was it like directing her?

A little bit intimidating and stressful, you know? I wanted to do a good jobby for my girl.

It's been a year since your cancer surgery. How are you feeling?

Everything is really, really good. I got lucky.

How did the ordeal change you?

It had a huge impact - a strangely positive one. Most people in their twenties don't have to think about their life being taken away from them, and when you do, you feel very lucky to be here. I'm appreciating things more. And it has been a wild year, filled with extremely positive and negative things - getting married, our house burning down, getting cancer and making a movie. It's been crazy.

What do you love most about Drew?

Everything.

Are you really married?

Yeah.

TODD GOLD
From US weekly, Issue 324, April 25, 2001