Arnold Schwarzenegger: Mr. Big Shot

Men are in crisis, whereas he is not. He does not know the meaning of "crisis." Or perhaps he does, but he pretends otherwise. He is Austrian, after all, and some things do not translate easily between cultures. (Lederhosen, for instance.) Throughout the world he is called Arnold, but that is because there are too many letters in Schwarzenegger. By now everyone has come to know that the literal meaning of Schwarzenegger is "black plowman," and like many black plowmen before him, Arnold knows exactly what it feels like when a horse falls on top of him. There is much pain, yes, but pain means little to Arnold, especially when there are stuntmen available. Anyway, Arnold is never in crisis. For this reason, it is imperative that Arnold be Arnold so that others may learn. And, from what society tells us, there has never been a more crucial epoch in history for Arnold to be alive, which is, at the very least, pretty convenient.

II. It is a woeful time to be a man. It is a time when men gather to be moan all that has become of them. Men, experts believe, went soft somewhere. Now, to correct matters, hordes of them retreat to the woods for strange rituals in which they strut about in loincloths and howl at trees, trying desperately to find the wild man within themselves, previously lost for generations. Men, alas, have forgotten how to be men. Arnold, himself, once said, "If I am not me, then who da hell am I?" Of course, he said this in the film Total Recall while wearing a wet towel on his head, so who can tell whether his heart was in it? (Lest we forget, he is an actor, first and foremost.) Still, it is a good question, applicable to most men, but certainly not to any man whose name is Arnold Schwarzenegger, for he is a man who knows exactly who he is: the biggest star in the world, a strong and handsome man of forty-four possessing a Germanic accent, who likes his cigars expensive, his motorcycles purple and his dialogue sparse.