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Here's our guide to the best thing on television at every moment of this weekend -- because you never know when you'll need to pull the ripcord.
WEDNESDAY
6:00 PM: House of
Carters (E!)
6:30 PM: House of
Carters (E!)
What better way to kick off extended family time than by watching
one that's more dysfunctional than your own?
7:00 PM: Unwrapped:
Thanksgiving (Food Network)
Take one last look at what a aperfect Thanksgiving could be -- if
anyone in your family could cook worth a damn. Now crack open that
can of cranberry sauce.
8:00 PM: Madonna: The Confessions
Tour (NBC)
Celebrity baby collector Madonna still puts on a hell of a
performance, if the upside-down hanging-from-a-cross thing is up
your alley.
10:00 PM: Top Chef
(Bravo)
Think Project Runway for food fiends. It's just as
addictive as the fashion version, with ten times the calories.
11:00 PM: The Daily Show with Jon
Stewart (Comedy Central)
11:30 PM: The Colbert
Report (Comedy Central)
Same delicious current-events content as the 11:00 News, but with
a zesty barbecue flavor.
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THURSDAY
12:05 AM: Jimmy Kimmel
Live (ABC)
Decently funny late night TV . . . and with Jay-Z performing
tonight, it's a don't miss.
1 AM: Bond Movie Marathon: The Man
With the Golden Gun (SPIKE TV)
Spike TV to the rescue in this underrated classic, featuring
million-dollar-a-job hitman Scaramanga and Herve "Tattoo"
Villechaize as an unintentionally goofy little bad guy.
3:30 AM: World Series
Poker (ESPNC)
Scream at that guy with pocket jacks to ignore the king in the
flop and go all in . . . it ain't your money.
4 AM: X-Files
(TNT)
What if a superior alien civilization decided to screen humans for
abduction by monitoring their late night TV habits? You're on the
next saucer, pal.
5 AM: I Love Lucy
(TVLAND)
5:30 AM: Leave it to
Beaver (TVLAND)
Gritty family reality comedy from way back before color was
invented.
6 AM: Saved By the
Bell (TBS)
6:30 AM: Saved By the
Bell (TBS)
Watch Zack and Kelly get married and then rewind a bit for their
first semester at college . . . oh, hell. Just watch for early
signs Dustin "Screech" Diamond is planning a particularly grody sex
tape.
7 AM: Music Videos
(MTV/VH1)
It's inspiring that in these trying times, music TV stations can
still find time in their busy reality show schedule to spin a music
video or two.
8 AM: News
You know, just in case something major happened.
8:30 AM: Yoga
(FITTV)
Take a half-hour to focus on your happy place, so you can find it
later, when the relatives arrive.
9 AM: Macy's Thanksgiving Day
Parade (NBC)
Drink whenever the hosts say a particularly cheesy bit of canned
dialogue; chug a full one whenever a balloon gets out of control
and wipes out a pedestrian.
12 NOON: FOOTBALL
12:30-4 (Dolphins v. Lions, CBS)
A great Thanksgiving tradition: Keeping men from helping out in
the kitchen since 1972.
3 PM: I Love the
Holidays (VH1)
Man, they sure love a lot of things over at VH1. The Seventies,
Toys, and now this. A good, light entertainment snack, though.
4:30 PM: The Cosby
Show
Gritty family reality comedy featuring protocomic Bill Cosby
before his act turned to Jell-O Pudding.
5 PM: Love
Actually (USA)
A Hugh Grant snoozer is the ideal way to spend your post-feast
coma.
8 PM: CSI with Roger
Daltrey (CBS)
John Mayer, Kevin Federline, now Daltrey: CSI has now officially
targeted every single viewer demographic.
9 PM: Grey's
Anatomy (ABC)
One for the ladies . . . calling Doctors McDreamy and McSteamy . .
.
10 PM: That 70's
Show (FX) with Lindsay Lohan
Kewl comedy That 70's Show tries to fight
jumped-the-shark reputation with sexy celebrity partyhound and
future rehabber . . . watch the fun!
10:30PM: Jaws
(AMC)
If you thought Grandpa could shovel it in at the table, wait'll
you see this dude chow down on old Quint's torso. Cranberry sauce,
anyone?
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FRIDAY
12:30 AM: Bond Movie Marathon:
License to Kill (Spike TV)
Wherein our hero leaves Her Majesty's service to hunt down a drug
lord who kills the new wife of Bond's best friend Felix Leiter. Bad
move...but then, drug lords can perhaps be forgiven for the
occasional bad decisionmaking.
3:30 AM: Aqua Teen Hunger
Force (Cartoon Network)
3:45 AM: Aqua Teen Hunger
Force (Cartoon Network)
Nonsensical cartoons are what the wee hours of the morning were
made for. Circle the wagons around your favorite bong and
enjoy.
4 AM: Project
Runway (Bravo) Season Finale
The last of this year's P-Run, just in case you missed it . . .
and haven't passed out yet . . . and can't get that X-box to work .
. .
5 AM: My Super Sweet
Sixteen (MTV)
You know, filling in an entry for every single time of day for an
entire weekend sounds like a good idea from the front end, but you
find yourself making hateful compromises. This wins out over C-Span
. . . just.
5:30 AM: Back to the
Future (USA)
8 AM: Back to the Future
II (USA)
10:30AM: Back to the Future
III (USA)
Three classics you could theoretically watch in any order. Rush
Limbaugh accuses Michael J. Fox of faking the time travel sequences
. . . you can judge for yourself.
1 PM: Election
(E!)
Where else you gonna catch Reese Witherspoon at her
anally-retentive finest? It's not like you're going to watch
Legally Blonde . . .
3 PM: America's Funniest
Videos (WGN)
If you think dads being whacked in the crotch with plastic
baseball bats is funny in prime time, imagine how good it's going
to be at the punchy three-in-the-morning hour.
4 PM: 40-Year-Old
Virgin (Cinemax)
Daily Show alum Steve Carrell makes his mark as a
middle-aged schmo who's never made his mark.
6 PM: Beverly Hills
90210 (SOAP)
The show that totally thinks The OC needs to get an
original idea for once and stop copying them, because, like, it's
getting old, you know?
7 PM: America's Next Top
Model (VH1)
This is the Season 1 finale, but you can always TiVo your way back
through the previous eight hours and watch from Episode 1. Might
want to keep that suicide hotline handy, though.
8 PM: Titanic
(TNT)
The largest, longest, and most expensive vehicle for wasting 4
hours in front of a TV ever built. Stirring Celine theme, Leo DiC.
and Kate Winslet, super-self-indulgent FX budget . . . it's a
masterpiece.
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SATURDAY>
12 AM: Scrubs (WGN) w/ Colin Hay
It's not often that Scrubs has a musical guest. It's even
less often that Men At Work's Colin Hay still gets credit for being
musical.
12:30 AM: Ghostbusters
II (TV Land)
Okay, so it ain't the original. But don't slime this one: Remember
Vigo, the baby sacrifice,the underground river of slime? Good
times, good times.
3:35 AM: Conan
O'Brien (NBC)
Conan O'Brien is miles better than Jon Stewart, in terms of sheer
height. Even in repeats.
4:30 AM: Holidays at the
Walt Disney Resort (FOOD)
It was either this or an infomercial about an innovative new knife
sharpener. We flipped a coin.
5 AM: Fresh: New
Music (VH1)
Come on, shake yourself awake with a slice of fresh music. Don't
crap out on our marathon now . . . grab a coffee and let's
go.
6 AM: CNN
Presents
Catch the breaking news when the day is breaking,
too.
7:15 AM: Harry Potter and
the Goblet of Fire (HBO)
Them plucky little kids got spunk -- the kind of spunk that brings
evildoers to their knees. Oh, they also have magical powers . . .
that probably helps, too.
10 AM: Felicity (WE)
Oh Felicity, how we loved you and your long curly hair and your
quest for love . . . we'll never forget you. Until
11:A.M.
11 AM: Bring It
On (USA)
A pre-Spiderman Kirsten Dunst leads this cheerleader vs.
cheerleader showdown, with football player squads cheering from the
sidelines.
1 PM: LL Cool
J (A&E)
Do you know L.L. Cool J. stands for Ladies Love Cool James? Of
course you do. But if that's about all you know, check out this
worthy profile.
2 PM: The Breakfast
Club (Comedy Central)
A jock, a nerd, a misfit, etc. meet in this Brat Pack classic.
Good for some giggles.
4 PM: Family
Feud (Game Show Network)
In case you need to be reminded, this holiday season, of the
existence of families more annoying/awful/disturbingly cheery than
your own.
4:30 PM: Airline (A&E)
If there's not enough chaos in your running-for-the-gate,
lose-the-clippers airport experience, try this reality show about
Southwest Airlines. The bus station never looked so
appealing.
5 PM: Bond Movie Marathon:
For Your Eyes Only (Spike TV)
Bond at its cold-war best: 007 has to beat the Russians to a
kidnapped encryption device that could let bad guys launch our
nukes. Not for Roger Moore haters, though.
8 PM: Law & Order:
SVU (USA)
Play the Law & Order Another Round drinking game! Drink every
time you see a black screen with white letters; group chug if you
can figure out the ending less than halfway into the
show.
9 PM: Austin City Limits
with Franz Ferdinand and What Made Milwaukee Famous
(PBS)
Get your indie rock fix from the small city with the big
scene.
10 PM: Star Wars Empire of
Dreams (Behind the Scenes of the Movies)
(A&E)
A geeky paradise of Star Wars trivia never before circulated,
except on the Web. And nobody ever looks there.
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SUNDAY
12 AM: SNL (NBC)
House is in the house! Ah, we always wanted to say that. Hugh Laurie hosts; Beck soundtracks. Don't miss it.
1 AM: Bond Movie Marathon: Never
Say Never Again (Spike TV)
Sean Connery takes on Blofeld, who's stolen two nuclear warheads,
which they promise they only want for peaceful nuclear power. Oh,
wait -- that's Iran. Never mind.
4 AM: Law &
Order (TNT)
Yes, back to Law & Order again. You got a better idea
for four in the morning?
5 AM: Discover and
Download (MTV)
More full-bore quick cut MTV video action for when you're strobing
in and out of consciousness. Damn you, Ecstasy!
5:30 AM: Twilight
Zone (Sci-Fi)
The sci-fi classic that spawned them all; great little stories
with once-chilling, now slightly-goofy voiceovers by Rod
Serling.
6 AM: Coach
(USA)
If you didn't get enough gridiron in your diet yet this weekend,
revisit this classic, where Craig T. Nelson (voice of Mr.
Incredible from The Incredibles) coaches -- and eats,
sleeps, breathes -- football.
6:30 AM: Sports
Center (ESPN)
Sometimes nothing soothes the soul like a hyperactive sports
recap.
7:30 AM: Real World:
Denver (Season Premiere, MTV)
Told you MTV only plays full videos in the wee hours of the
morning . . . now back to your regularly scheduled reality TV.
Hopefully the Denver air will make them entertainingly lightheaded
. . .
8:30 AM: Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid (AMC)
Newman/Redford at their very best, and that's saying something.
It's got gunplay, clever dialogue, heartbreaking love scenes, and
the movie ending of all movie endings.
10:30 AM: Project
Runway (Bravo)
You only have time to catch the last half of the episode, but it
doesn't matter. Watch as Jeffrey insults Angela's mom -- oh, the
d-r-a-m-a!
11 AM: Moulin
Rouge (FX)
A tragically beautiful story, sort of like Titanic but
drier and with more singing.
2 PM: Curling
(NBC)
No, this isn't a hairdressing special . . . this is the
500-year-old sport of moving a giant puck on ice with a glorified
hockey stick. This is what you get for not going to church.
4 PM: Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory (Cinemax)
If your weird uncle hasn't fully creeped you out yet, maybe Johnny
Depp as Willy Wonka will do the trick.
6 PM: Fast Times at Ridgemont
High (Comedy Central)
Sean Penn as the unapologetic stoner . . . Judge Reinhold as
disillusioned masturbator . . . Phoebe Cates with the most
memorable bikini-drop in cinema history . . . don't miss it.
8 PM: Entourage
(HBO2) with Martin Landau
8:30 PM: Entourage
(HBO2) with Martin Landau
An Adonis and his mini-posse take over Hollywood, one hot chick at
a time. Always good for some laughs.
9 PM: Office Space
(IFC)
Watch the fun as disgruntled office workers try to sidestep
layoffs, take out a copier, and scheme to embezzle millions with a
diabolical plan stolen from Superman III.
10:30 PM: Aqua Teen Hunger
Force (Cartoon Network)
10:45PM: Aqua Teen Hunger
Force (Cartoon Network)
11 PM: Family Guy
(Cartoon Network)
Brilliant programming for brilliant people who are, uh, reloading
between acts of brilliance.
11:30 PM: Chappelle's
Show (Comedy Central)
You're in the home stretch now: a stellar half-hour of one of the
funniest shows television's ever produced. And then?
Congratulations! You've made it through the entire Thanksgiving Weekend without rising from the couch! Now grab those want ads and find yourself a job . . . this is getting embarrassing.