Escape Your Family: Sneak Upstairs!

SUNDAY
12 AM: SNL (NBC)
House is in the house! Ah, we always wanted to say that. Hugh Laurie hosts; Beck soundtracks. Don't miss it.

1 AM: Bond Movie Marathon: Never Say Never Again (Spike TV)
Sean Connery takes on Blofeld, who's stolen two nuclear warheads, which they promise they only want for peaceful nuclear power. Oh, wait -- that's Iran. Never mind.

4 AM: Law & Order (TNT)
Yes, back to Law & Order again. You got a better idea for four in the morning?

5 AM: Discover and Download (MTV)
More full-bore quick cut MTV video action for when you're strobing in and out of consciousness. Damn you, Ecstasy!

5:30 AM: Twilight Zone (Sci-Fi)
The sci-fi classic that spawned them all; great little stories with once-chilling, now slightly-goofy voiceovers by Rod Serling.

6 AM: Coach (USA)
If you didn't get enough gridiron in your diet yet this weekend, revisit this classic, where Craig T. Nelson (voice of Mr. Incredible from The Incredibles) coaches -- and eats, sleeps, breathes -- football.

6:30 AM: Sports Center (ESPN)
Sometimes nothing soothes the soul like a hyperactive sports recap.

7:30 AM: Real World: Denver (Season Premiere, MTV)
Told you MTV only plays full videos in the wee hours of the morning . . . now back to your regularly scheduled reality TV. Hopefully the Denver air will make them entertainingly lightheaded . . .

8:30 AM: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (AMC)
Newman/Redford at their very best, and that's saying something. It's got gunplay, clever dialogue, heartbreaking love scenes, and the movie ending of all movie endings.

10:30 AM: Project Runway (Bravo)
You only have time to catch the last half of the episode, but it doesn't matter. Watch as Jeffrey insults Angela's mom -- oh, the d-r-a-m-a!

11 AM: Moulin Rouge (FX)
A tragically beautiful story, sort of like Titanic but drier and with more singing.

2 PM: Curling (NBC)
No, this isn't a hairdressing special . . . this is the 500-year-old sport of moving a giant puck on ice with a glorified hockey stick. This is what you get for not going to church.

4 PM: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Cinemax)
If your weird uncle hasn't fully creeped you out yet, maybe Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka will do the trick.

6 PM: Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Comedy Central)
Sean Penn as the unapologetic stoner . . . Judge Reinhold as disillusioned masturbator . . . Phoebe Cates with the most memorable bikini-drop in cinema history . . . don't miss it.

8 PM: Entourage (HBO2) with Martin Landau
8:30 PM: Entourage (HBO2) with Martin Landau
An Adonis and his mini-posse take over Hollywood, one hot chick at a time. Always good for some laughs.

9 PM: Office Space (IFC)
Watch the fun as disgruntled office workers try to sidestep layoffs, take out a copier, and scheme to embezzle millions with a diabolical plan stolen from Superman III.

10:30 PM: Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Cartoon Network)
10:45PM: Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Cartoon Network)
11 PM: Family Guy (Cartoon Network)
Brilliant programming for brilliant people who are, uh, reloading between acts of brilliance.

11:30 PM: Chappelle's Show (Comedy Central)
You're in the home stretch now: a stellar half-hour of one of the funniest shows television's ever produced. And then?

Congratulations! You've made it through the entire Thanksgiving Weekend without rising from the couch! Now grab those want ads and find yourself a job . . . this is getting embarrassing.