Escape Your Family: Sneak Upstairs!

12:30 AM: Bond Movie Marathon: License to Kill (Spike TV)
Wherein our hero leaves Her Majesty's service to hunt down a drug lord who kills the new wife of Bond's best friend Felix Leiter. Bad move...but then, drug lords can perhaps be forgiven for the occasional bad decisionmaking.

3:30 AM: Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Cartoon Network)
3:45 AM: Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Cartoon Network)
Nonsensical cartoons are what the wee hours of the morning were made for. Circle the wagons around your favorite bong and enjoy.

4 AM: Project Runway (Bravo) Season Finale
The last of this year's P-Run, just in case you missed it . . . and haven't passed out yet . . . and can't get that X-box to work . . .

5 AM: My Super Sweet Sixteen (MTV)
You know, filling in an entry for every single time of day for an entire weekend sounds like a good idea from the front end, but you find yourself making hateful compromises. This wins out over C-Span . . . just.

5:30 AM: Back to the Future (USA)
8 AM: Back to the Future II (USA)
10:30AM: Back to the Future III (USA)
Three classics you could theoretically watch in any order. Rush Limbaugh accuses Michael J. Fox of faking the time travel sequences . . . you can judge for yourself.

1 PM: Election (E!)
Where else you gonna catch Reese Witherspoon at her anally-retentive finest? It's not like you're going to watch Legally Blonde . . .

3 PM: America's Funniest Videos (WGN)
If you think dads being whacked in the crotch with plastic baseball bats is funny in prime time, imagine how good it's going to be at the punchy three-in-the-morning hour.

4 PM: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Cinemax)
Daily Show alum Steve Carrell makes his mark as a middle-aged schmo who's never made his mark.

6 PM: Beverly Hills 90210 (SOAP)
The show that totally thinks The OC needs to get an original idea for once and stop copying them, because, like, it's getting old, you know?

7 PM: America's Next Top Model (VH1)
This is the Season 1 finale, but you can always TiVo your way back through the previous eight hours and watch from Episode 1. Might want to keep that suicide hotline handy, though.

8 PM: Titanic (TNT)
The largest, longest, and most expensive vehicle for wasting 4 hours in front of a TV ever built. Stirring Celine theme, Leo DiC. and Kate Winslet, super-self-indulgent FX budget . . . it's a masterpiece.