Escape Your Family: Sneak Upstairs!

12:05 AM: Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC)
Decently funny late night TV . . . and with Jay-Z performing tonight, it's a don't miss.

1 AM: Bond Movie Marathon: The Man With the Golden Gun (SPIKE TV)
Spike TV to the rescue in this underrated classic, featuring million-dollar-a-job hitman Scaramanga and Herve "Tattoo" Villechaize as an unintentionally goofy little bad guy.

3:30 AM: World Series Poker (ESPNC)
Scream at that guy with pocket jacks to ignore the king in the flop and go all in . . . it ain't your money.

4 AM: X-Files (TNT)
What if a superior alien civilization decided to screen humans for abduction by monitoring their late night TV habits? You're on the next saucer, pal.

5 AM: I Love Lucy (TVLAND)
5:30 AM: Leave it to Beaver (TVLAND)
Gritty family reality comedy from way back before color was invented.

6 AM: Saved By the Bell (TBS)
6:30 AM: Saved By the Bell (TBS)
Watch Zack and Kelly get married and then rewind a bit for their first semester at college . . . oh, hell. Just watch for early signs Dustin "Screech" Diamond is planning a particularly grody sex tape.

7 AM: Music Videos (MTV/VH1)
It's inspiring that in these trying times, music TV stations can still find time in their busy reality show schedule to spin a music video or two.

8 AM: News
You know, just in case something major happened.

8:30 AM: Yoga (FITTV)
Take a half-hour to focus on your happy place, so you can find it later, when the relatives arrive.

9 AM: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (NBC)
Drink whenever the hosts say a particularly cheesy bit of canned dialogue; chug a full one whenever a balloon gets out of control and wipes out a pedestrian.

12 NOON: FOOTBALL 12:30-4 (Dolphins v. Lions, CBS)
A great Thanksgiving tradition: Keeping men from helping out in the kitchen since 1972.

3 PM: I Love the Holidays (VH1)
Man, they sure love a lot of things over at VH1. The Seventies, Toys, and now this. A good, light entertainment snack, though.

4:30 PM: The Cosby Show
Gritty family reality comedy featuring protocomic Bill Cosby before his act turned to Jell-O Pudding.

5 PM: Love Actually (USA)
A Hugh Grant snoozer is the ideal way to spend your post-feast coma.

8 PM: CSI with Roger Daltrey (CBS)
John Mayer, Kevin Federline, now Daltrey: CSI has now officially targeted every single viewer demographic.

9 PM: Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
One for the ladies . . . calling Doctors McDreamy and McSteamy . . .

10 PM: That 70's Show (FX) with Lindsay Lohan
Kewl comedy That 70's Show tries to fight jumped-the-shark reputation with sexy celebrity partyhound and future rehabber . . . watch the fun!

10:30PM: Jaws (AMC)
If you thought Grandpa could shovel it in at the table, wait'll you see this dude chow down on old Quint's torso. Cranberry sauce, anyone?