Escape Your Family: Sneak Upstairs!

Here's our guide to the best thing on television at every moment of this weekend -- because you never know when you'll need to pull the ripcord.

WEDNESDAY

6:00 PM: House of Carters (E!)
6:30 PM: House of Carters (E!)
What better way to kick off extended family time than by watching one that's more dysfunctional than your own?

7:00 PM: Unwrapped: Thanksgiving (Food Network)
Take one last look at what a aperfect Thanksgiving could be -- if anyone in your family could cook worth a damn. Now crack open that can of cranberry sauce.

8:00 PM: Madonna: The Confessions Tour (NBC)
Celebrity baby collector Madonna still puts on a hell of a performance, if the upside-down hanging-from-a-cross thing is up your alley.

10:00 PM: Top Chef (Bravo)
Think Project Runway for food fiends. It's just as addictive as the fashion version, with ten times the calories.

11:00 PM: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
11:30 PM: The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
Same delicious current-events content as the 11:00 News, but with a zesty barbecue flavor.