Still Sick, Still Wrong

Stone and Parker met at the University of Colorado at Boulder, where Stone was a math geek and Parker a film nerd cutting class to make hand-held videos such as The Giant Beaver of Southern Sri Lanka, a movie about Godzilla-like beavers ravaging a town, and later Cannibal: The Musical, for which they raised $125,000 from friends' parents. Both grew up solidly middle-class in the Colorado suburbs, playing video games, practicing tae kwon do and working in the pizza industry (Parker at Pizza Hut, Stone at Little Caesar's). They come from close-knit, happy families and say that they have few significant childhood demons. Stone's dad is an economics professor; Parker's father is a government geologist and his mother is an insurance rep. Stone played sports at least a little bit, whereas Parker was a pussy hailing from the nerve center of Pussyland: musical theater, the leading man of many high school musicals. And he sang in the choir. Friends say he didn't know how to throw a Frisbee.

To not be a pussy, then, is of foremost importance. Most of South Park's humor either advocates radical individualism (everyone is stupid, so don't listen to anyone but yourself) and/or a conservative agenda (this is a great country, and you're a pussy if you're down in the mouth about President Bush). Neither Stone nor Parker will delineate his political views, and both contend that the libertarian label, which has been applied to them in recent years, is not entirely appropriate. (As far as the "South Park Republicans" tag that was affixed to their fans a few years ago to define the "cool" part of the conservative movement, they say it's a dumb notion.) They won't talk about the war, even to voice an opinion on President Bush's new troop-deployment plan. "I wouldn't even begin to say I know enough to say if it's right or wrong, because whomever is telling you it's wrong is full of shit too," says Parker. Neither votes -- "like, ever," says Stone. Parker waves a hand in the air. "Each election is a choice with a douche or a turd, so who cares," he says. "If Gore had beaten Bush, things wouldn't be much different."

While Stone is in fact deeply immersed in politics and a serious reader of nonfiction books about the Middle East, I practically have to wrestle him to hear a smidge of his politics: He's against the War on Drugs, pro-gay marriage, against socialized medicine and basically in favor of free markets, except in cases like dropping public funding for roads or education. As for Parker, who owns a couple of guns, the closest I can come is his paraphrase of Team America's climactic monologue: "There's a difference between dicks and assholes. Because there are terrorists -- assholes -- you've got to have dicks, people who hunt down terrorists. Dicks are bad, and it sucks to be a dick, but it's way worse to be an asshole, and because there are assholes, we need dicks. So shut the fuck up, all you pussies!"

Try to argue back to this kind of logic, and the joke's on you, much to the glee of Stone and Parker. "We went to a party in Malibu on the beach recently," says Stone, "and this woman came up to us, like, 'Oh, my son is at the University of Colorado, and I can't get him to go to class, because he snowboards all the time.' I'm immediately thinking, 'Fuck you and your kid,' because I couldn't afford to snowboard in college. Then I say, 'Yeah, I still go to Colorado to visit my family.' She's like, 'So they really are just a bunch of gun-toting hicks out there, aren't they?' I'm like, 'I just told you my mom and dad and sister live there.' Then Trey walks up to her and says, 'George Bush is a great man.' She looked like we'd poured acid in her ear. We were laughing our asses off."

"That's the most punk-rock thing you can do in L.A.: say 'George Bush is fucking awesome' instead of talking about how lame it is that he's fighting for oil," says Parker. "The only way to be more hardcore than everyone else is to tell the people who think they're the most hardcore that they're pussies, to go up to a tattooed, pierced vegan and say, 'Whatever, you tattooed faggot, you're a pierced faggot and whatever.' '' He looks very pleased with himself. "That's hardcore."

>> This is an excerpt from the new issue of Rolling Stone, on newsstands until March 22nd.

>> VIDEO COUNTDOWN: Check out our picks for the 25 Greatest "South Park" Moments ever. Talk back to us here!