Ashton Kutcher

"Everyone's gunning for Ashton now," Goldberg tells me later on. "If we were going to get him, it would have to be the most elaborate bit: ten snipers breaking through his windows with ropes and double-barreled shotguns. And it wouldn't work if he was alone -- he knows too much about where the hidden cameras are set up. He'd have to have a girl in bed with him."

As Kutcher gives me the guided tour of the house -- pool, tennis court, a dog named Mr. Bojangles -- he tells me about the last time heavy-duty firepower paid a visit to his property. That was when he brought home President George W. Bush's twin daughters, and the Secret Service came along for the ride. About a year and a half ago, Kutcher went to a Nike party with some friends. When his friend Matt spotted Jenna and Barbara Bush, Matt graphically described his amorous intent, oblivious to the glares of the Secret Service agents: "I'd fucking nail the shit out of that bitch!"

"My God, he was not shutting up," says Kutcher. Nevertheless, Ashton met the twins, who asked what he was doing after the party. Everyone ended up going back to Kutcher's house, although he insisted the Secret Service stay outside. "So we're hanging out," Kutcher says. "The Bushes were underage-drinking at my house. When I checked outside, one of the Secret Service guys asked me if they'd be spending the night. I said no. And then I go upstairs to see another friend and I can smell the green wafting out under his door. I open the door, and there he is smoking out the Bush twins on his hookah."

The next morning, Kutcher picked up his phone -- and didn't get a dial tone. He assumes that ever since the Bushes' visit, the Secret Service has had his phone tapped.

(Excerpted from RS 923, May 29, 2003)