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We don't usually lose to Britain. Land, tennis, food — we usually crush their pasty bottoms. But lately, we are getting killed in an important siege: the Skank Wars. Not long ago, we dominated. We had Britney in the booby hatch, Paris in jail and Lindsay flashing her na-na. Those three were the skank Crosby, Stills and Nash (Nicole Richie was Neil Young). But as they did with punk rock, the Brits stole our idea and made it into art. Human crack pipe Amy Winehouse makes Britney look like Madeleine Albright. Sienna Miller and Kate Moss are having a topless photo contest on the Mediterranean seas. Potty-mouthed Lily Allen battles with Elton John at an awards show and dumps on sacred idols like Madonna. British reality nut cases like Kerry Katona (drugs, cosmetic surgery) and Katie "Jordan" Price (sex, cosmetic surgery) are much more awesomely trashy than ours. Peaches Geldof, Bob's wacky daughter who just got married at 19 (and, if rumors are true, may soon get divorced)? The United States has no answer for Peaches Geldof. America needs to get its skank game face back on. It's time to liberate our girls and chain up Lindsay's undie drawer. Alert Barack Obama. Consider us hawkish on the Skank Wars.

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