As we head into the homestretch of Season 5 of True Blood (just two more eps left!), the annoying Ifrit, werewolves and Obama wannabes have (seemingly) fallen to the wayside to make room for more important storylines. It's only Day 3 of the so-called "Vampire Crisis" – caused by the blood drought after Tru Blood factories around the world were torched – and all hell is breaking loose.
Humans and Vampires
As Sookie sits down to enjoy some Chinese takeout as a late-night snack, a shadowy figure appears at her door. Not taking any chances, she picks up a gun before investigating. When she realizes it's just Mike the coroner, she opens the door and pulls him in because, duh, it's not safe to be outside at this hour when there's a bunch of synthetic blood-deprived vampires wandering about. Right? Right.
But wait, what's Mike doing at her place anyway? Double duh. He's now a vampire, and Sookie's the most delectable morsel on the block. Lucky lady.
When he attacks, she shoots. But that does little to stop him from trying to chow down on her thigh (and toes, natch). Her next weapon of choice? A set of chopsticks, which works like a charm, leaving her swimming in an appetizing pile of fleshy goo. When it comes time to cleanup, Sheriff Bellefleur quips, "Thank god you didn't order pizza." Take that, DiGiorno.
Meanwhile, Jason and Jessica "accidentally" run into each other at Merlotte's Bar while both waiting to "meet someone." That someone turns out to be Hoyt, who sits them down to reveal he's decided to move to Alaska ASAP to start over. Despite Jason's and Jessica's pleas against the idea, his mind is made up. He just has one final request . . .
Hoyt asks his former girlfriend to "glamour" him by erasing all his memories of their relationship, which ended with Jessica cheating on him with Jason. The kicker? He also wants his one-time BFF Jason to disappear, too.
After some futile, teary-eyed arguing, the deed is done. But before wiping his mind clean like an ugly Etch-a-Sketch drawing, Jessica tells Hoyt he'll find a new first love in Alaska. "We'll miss you, but you won't miss us," she says before having him count to 10 as she and Jason sadly slip out of the booth.
Later, Jason spots Hoyt's truck and eagerly pulls him over hoping to make one last connection with his lifelong buddy. But Hoyt doesn't recognize him, asking if his momma was pulling a desperate stunt to try to stop him from leaving. The two men share a laugh, but Jason realizes it's not the same as it used to be as they're now strangers. Knowing it's a lost cause, Jason cuts Hoyt loose with a simple "drive safe," saving a complete emotional meltdown for inside the squad car. Sorry, but that's what you get for breaking the first rule of the Bro Code, dude.
There's so much going on in the vampers' world, our head is spinning.
After last week's failed escape attempt, Eric and Molly are in deep shit with the Authority. But it's Molly who's really screwed – literally with her own invention, as Bill remotely iStakes her through the heart with the simple push of a button on an iPhone app. Ah, technology: A truly love-hate relationship.
Eric's fate isn't as clear-cut, since Bill and Nora have convinced the other Authority members that he can be converted. With "sister" Nora forcing Eric's mouth open, Bill drops some of progenitor Lilith's (supposed) blood onto the attempted escapee's tongue. Nora also has a taste, saying, "We'll meet her together" before they start tripping balls. Don't try this at home, kids.
As Bill monitors them from a Star Trek-like control room while looking like a demented Spock, the paranoid pair are confronted by their maker, Godric. He tells them Lilith is a "godless god" who will lead them and many others to "destruction," and that he has done what they fear to do, evolve. After implying he can no longer save them, a hairy-bushed Lilith emerges and gouges Godric's throat, causing him to implode. She's left covered in blood and guts, exactly as she appeared that one time in bed with Bill. Sexy.
After the bloodbath, Eric begs the Authority's forgiveness and says he realizes he was worshipping a "false god" in Godric and will forever follow the word of Lilith. He makes a point of thanking kooky-creepy Russell for his mercy and forgives him for his "sins." In the spirit of a truce, Eric leans down and kisses Russell's hand. Uh, come again?
Russell and boy-toy Steve Newlin go on a celebratory protein binge, grabbing some "Greek" for dinner. With bodies strewn everywhere and their mouths dripping with blood, they dance to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" as Russell (not Brand) dreams of a day they don't have to fear the sunlight. Yes, run away and don't look back, boys.
Later, though, Russell buys a one-way, non-refundable ticket to Crazytown when he demands the Authority makes his dream a reality. He knows Sookie's fairy blood has helped both Eric and Bill briefly defy daylight, and he wants a piece of that. He pushes for breeding and experimenting with fairies in an effort to make blood potent enough to turn vampires into 24-hour party people.
When Salome says they must stay as Lilith made them, nightwalkers only, he throws her across the room, shocking the rest of the members. When they bare their fangs in solidarity with Salome, Russell jumps on the table and declares, "I'm 3,000 years old, and stronger than all of you combined!" They can have Lilith and her confining ways; he'd rather have the sun. And with that, he defects from the Authority and disappears. Yeah, this will end well.
Meanwhile, the bloodsucking duo of Thelma and Louise . . . or rather, Pam and Tara, are practicing their own act of defiance. After the newly named sheriff of Area Five tells Pam how to run her business and that she must help "birth" 30 new baby vamps – yes, 30! – by the end of the year or he'll snatch her assets, including gal pal Tara, she practically renounces the bar. But Tara ain't having it, using some tricksy tactics to behead the newbie. "No one fucks with us in our house," she says, as Pam looks on, equally annoyed and impressed. (She's getting good at those emotional twofers.)
Back at Chateau Authorit-ay, Bill summons Jessica in an effort to keep her "safe." When she questions how he's become so powerful, he implies God chose him. He then picks up the Book of Lilith and tells her to study it. He seems to really believe what he's saying. Or does he?
Humans, Shifters and Fairies
In an effort to get back her daughter, Luna and Sam stalk Steve Newlin, chasing him down to New Orleans where he has an on-air debate. In the form of mice, the duo tag along with good ol' Steve-O in his briefcase. Inside his office, they escape as he chastises wolf-girl Emma for wandering around in human form. Bad puppy!
Back in Bon Temps, Sookie is 'splainin' to brother Jason how she's gone through the box under the bed a million times and still can't find the clue Gran told Lafayette about. Frustrated by her efforts, he pushes the bed aside and starts rifling through everything again, only to notice a loose floorboard. Eureka! Who's the smarty-pants now? (It's Jason, just in case you weren’t sure.)
Hidden beneath the floor is a dusty old scroll filled with unrecognizable characters. Tipped off by a professor that it's not in any "human language" (gee, thanks) the Wonder Twins head over to see their "strip-tease" fairy friends. And voila! Mystery solved.
After some inspection, it's revealed the scroll contains a 300-year-old contract written in fairy blood granting one M. Warlow the first female-fairy heir in the Stackhouse clan. Who's M. Warlow? He's the man who seemingly killed Sookie and Jason's parents, and the apparition that's been threatening the Sookster. And who's the first-born fairy? None other than the one and only Sookie Monster.
Favorite couple: Jason and Hoyt. The end of a bromance is always sad. But it's just heartwrenching when it makes a man cry. It's so hard to say goodbye. Or not, if you're Hoyt.
Winning Species: Glamoured humans. Right now, Hoyt seems to have the best shot at a bright future.
Losing Species: Vampires who don't follow the word of Lilith. See: Godric, Molly, Eric . . . shall we go on?
Last Week: Haters Gonna Hate