After the perilous heights and Niagara-like flow of teen tears on Monday's two-hour season opener of The Voice, last night's round of blind auditions seemed almost tepid by comparison. The emerging theme: Team Xtina could pack it in and coast to the finals with the four kids she's got already – nix the other dozen to come.
The secondary theme: be grateful for your health! Tuesday's backstory vids were filled with all manner of ailment: KC Muessigmann told host Carson Daly of the torn meniscus that killed his wrestling scholarship, cue plaintive piano theme, ". . . and I just heard my knee pop." EWWW, did we really need to know? Ditto for the still shot of Aquile's wired-shut jaw. Young Mackenzie Bourg and his parents gave us the entire narrative arc about a recent infection that almost killed him; fortunately, he's out of his coma and onto Team Cee Lo. Here is how the rest of the night panned out four the show's four superstar coaches:
Coach: Christina Aguilera
Why: Sure, a mere one-sixth of the total contestants have even been picked, but it seems unlikely that there will we be as pop-chart perfect a contestant as Brooklyn girl Adriana Louise. Louise turned all four chairs with her high-energy version of "Domino," but eagerly went to her sheroe, Aguilera, to capitalize on the diva connection. Aguilera in turn did some sort of "Vogue"-ing happy dance to celebrate the addition of her sure thing. Here's hoping they don't keep revisiting Louise's horrible story of witnessing a home invasion and the kidnapping of her parents when she was nine, though one already anticipates Carson asking, "So, after living through the traumatic kidnapping of your parents at age nine, how does it feel to make it to the Voice semi-finals?" Team Xtina also picked up Aquile, who has an understated neo-soul vibe and can probably sing anything.
Coach: Cee Lo Green
Why: As the coaches pointed out, Mackenzie Bourg has a Harry Potter-cum-Bieber look, a baby-faced tousled teenage cool-nerd image that, paired with his quirky voice, could make him a fan fave. At the very least he'll make it through the first few eliminations because who wants to kick off a kid who almost died? He should do "Girlfriend in a Coma" for executive realness points.
Coach: Blake Shelton
Why: Blake picked two dudes who seemed like team-filler. Sixteen people is a lot to round up. So, why not pick the guy who does "Sweet Home Alabama?" There is at least one every season. Shelton also grabbed Julio Castillo, who did a serviceable "La Bamba" and a pretty sweet 30 seconds of a mariachi ballad, all en español; the judges cooed. As is the quantum equation of The Voice, they love him for singing in Spanish now, which means it will be the reason he gets booted in a month.
Coach: Adam Levine
Why: The only thing Levine picked up last night were screams from the Team Adam rabids, bumping him down from the top spot. No one wanted to be on his team. Too bad, so sad.
Harshest toke of backstage real talk: Adriana Louise's mom tearfully screaming at the monitor as all four judged turned their chairs for her daughter, "Finally, something good happens to our family!" In case you forgot about that time they got kidnapped.
Most adorable home video to be featured in b-reel: Julio Castillo, age three, decked out in a toddler-sized mariachi suit. Awww.
Best Carson-induced LOL: When he asked KC Mussigman, who was attending college on a wrestling scholarship before he was permanently sidelined with a knee injury, if that dashed his hopes for a "pro" wrestling career – as if Greco-Roman wrestling and Monday Night Raw are the same thing.
Last recap: They're Back!