Do you think with that guy it was obsession or love?
Love. But, you know, I don't really know very much about love. I suppose if I knew everything about love, I wouldn't be good at making music, would I?
I don't know. Some artists make their best music when they're in love.
I'm terrified of babies, though.
I think, creatively as a woman, you change once you give birth. I'm totally not ready for that.
Did you ever have any resolution with your father after he cut you off during your wild days?
It's just recently that I've been healed in a way, because my father had this heart surgery that he was supposed to have since I was a kid. The fear of losing the man of my dreams, such as my dad — there's fucking Freud for you — was terrifying. So the biggest fear of my life passed.
Do you ever feel like you're fulfilling your dad's unrealized rock-star ambitions?
Yeah, sure I do. I love my daddy. My daddy's everything. I hope I can find a man that will treat me as good as my dad.
You usually fall for dirty musician types, and your dad's a musician. So . . .
That's an interesting word to choose.
"Loopy" is my dad's nickname for me. Loops! My dad is so funny. He called me the other day and he's like, "I'm drunk, and I'm fucking really depressed because my dad is sick. This sucks." And I said, "You know, Dad, this is just part of life, and I'm sorry, but I'm here for you." And he said, "You're right, Loops, it's part of life." My whole life, my dad was trying to hide from me that he was a real dude, and now I'm old enough, we're the best of friends, because he's just given up on trying to be the father.
He probably thought, "I tried to change her, but I can't." So he just had to accept that you're going to be who you're going to be.
Well, did you just sum up every relationship I've ever had, or what?
They say that most workaholics are that way because it's an addiction and a way to avoid other things.
In so many ways, my music also heals me. So is it heroin, and I need the fix to feel better? Or is it that music is healing? I guess that's the big question. When you work as hard as I do, or you resign your life to something like music or art or writing, you have to commit yourself to this struggle and commit yourself to the pain. And I commit myself to my heartbreak wholeheartedly. It's something that I will never let go. But that heartbreak, in a way, is my feature. It's a representation of the process of my work. As artists, we are eternally heartbroken.
I didn't mean to get so deep so early . . .
I'm deeper than you thought [laughs]. And we didn't talk about my favorite wacky outfit.
So do you think workaholism is a way of avoiding intimacy and the vulnerability that comes with that?
Well, sex is certainly not, like, a priority at the moment.
Sex is different than intimacy.
I guess I view sex and intimacy as the same. But I'm at a different place in my life now than I was two years ago. So I guess I'm a woman now.
In what way do you mean?
I don't know when or why you realize that you've become a woman, but I'm a woman. I think different. I feel different. And I care less and less about what people think as the hours go by. I feel very strong.
Is there anyone you're able to open up with and show your vulnerabilities to?
Well, there are very few people I can do that with. I do it with my fans. I mean, last night onstage I told them about my grandpa being sick. But there's some things I keep sacred for myself. As someone who has written two albums about it, I have the right to choose whether or not I want to be a celebrity, and I don't want to be one. And I feel that I'm relatively clever enough to control that people pay attention more to my music and to my clothing than they do to my personal life. Trust me, I'd much rather people write about what I wear and what I'm singing and what I do in my videos than about who I'm fucking. I mean, that, for me, is the kiss of death.
Do you feel like you're sacrificing certain parts of yourself and your life for your art and career?
It's kind of good for me, though, isn't it? Because what if we want to date? We're not gonna tell anybody. And we're gonna lie profusely that we're not together. And if you're like, "Why don't you want people to know?" then I know you're with me for the wrong reasons, so I'm like, "Fuck off."
Of course, the more you try to hide things —
I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is showbiz for me. It might not be showbiz for the rest of you, but for me, this is showbiz. If I were to ever, God forbid, get hurt onstage and my fans were screaming outside of the hospital, waiting for me to come out, I'd come out as Gaga. I wouldn't come out in sweatpants because I busted my leg or whatever.
And that's what Michael [Jackson] did. Michael got burned, and he lifted that glittered glove so damn high so his fans could see him, because he was in the art of show business. That's what we do. Some people don't. They want to relate in a different way. I don't want people to see I'm a human being. I don't even drink water onstage in front of anybody, because I want them to focus on the fantasy of the music and be transported from where they are to somewhere else. People can't do that if you're just on Earth. We need to go to heaven.
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