Pop Life: Bottoms Up, Tila!

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A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, the most friggindiculously soul-crushing dating show ever. I'm in awe.

Flavor of Love and learned the Pumkin Principle: Mindless bitch­slapping equals valuable camera time. So it's like pro wrestling, with love-starved wretches trading scripted punches and chokeholds. Has there been a more stirring TV moment this fall than when Ashley stood outside the mansion, pounding on the door, screaming, "Tilaaaa! Tilaaaa!"?

I also love Michael, the pizza-delivery guy who recently lived with his parents. He proves his devotion by getting his scrotum waxed. "I'm a changed man," he says after Tila dumps him. "I feel like a hero for all those guys out there sleeping on their mom's couch." So he goes home, sadder, wiser and with shinier testicles. There's Ryan the "oil executive," who, like most oil executives, lives in Trenton, New Jersey, which probably just means he works at the Chevron. Meatheads like these you can find in any bar -- but black virgin lesbian caterers? Only on MTV. Meet Ashli, who weeps, "Tila was my first love! The next time I find true love, I'll be ready, and I'll love even harder!" Ash, maybe next time pick a gal who'll tell you her real name. You're so welcome!

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