This article originally appeared in Private Eye magazine
I don't wannna knock the guy cos I love him like a brother but Mick's full of shit I mean like I'm just hangin loose and shootin up and blowin crap and he's just like wooh look at me guys wooh I'm Jumpin Jack Flash pout pout yeah look at me I'm Mick fuckin Jagger I'm Mick I'm dancin round the stage like a ponce and I'm like no you're not you're just a turd with a banana stuffed up his pants I'm the one they all love I'm the fuckin genius legend I'm the one they come to see I'm the Stones man and you're just the little wanker who flits about doin twirls like you're one of Pan's fuckin People or whatever like gimme a break man it's me who's the spirit of the Sixties it's me they wanna know about it's me who's so fuckin laidback and hangin loose and doin all kind of nuts things but I love Mick like a brother him and me we been together since the early Sixties yeah that was a decade to remember right we had some good shit in the Sixties like me and Anita Pallenwodever we went boinky boinky boinky for like weeks on end boinky boinky boinky mornin noon and night well not mornin cos we was zonked out and not noon cos we like hadn't woken up and not night cos we was clean out of it totally gone but all the rest of the time we was boinky boinky boinky boinky boinky boink that was before Mick like comes along when I'm not lookin' and starts his shit with her I mean I love the guy like a brother but he never meant nothin to Anita nothin nothin nothin she just saw him as my backin singer the freak who gets in the way while I'm like playin guitar...
...but then that's the Sixties its the decade that came right after the Seventies no yeah no nice one son lemme see the Seventies was the one that came before the Nineties and the Sixties came between the Eighties and the Nineties and the Fifties was the one which was after the Sixties but before the Seventies so by my recknin it goes like Sixties Fifties Nineties Eighties Seventies nah that can't be right because the Seventies definitely came before the Eighties otherwise it would be called the Nineties jeez who the fuck cares its just numbers the whole thing's just like an Establishment conspiracy man they're shit scared of the Stones they don't want the whole applecart whatevered so they try and muddle us with numbers and decades and years and blah blah blah and all that kinda numbers crap so's to make us like automatons or whatever so the revolution they was dreadin might never happen because they've like zonked us out with their fuckin sums so we can't remember nothin but then what people don't understand right is my memory's just amazin just amazin go on ask me somethin ask me anythin like ask me about everythin that happened in the Sixties and I'll tell you right okay you wanna know what happened in the Sixties right easy man the Sixties was the decade we really got out of our heads and the other thing that happened in the Sixties aw come on now there must of been something else happened in the Sixties yeah that's it we really got out of our heads now ask me another...
...tell you what I love Mick like a brother but in the Sixties no-one knew the fuck who he was it was me they all came to see not Mick you'd get all these millions of heads in the front row at the gigs and they'd all be shoutin at Mick to stop wigglin his bum round cos it was blockin their view of me and it was me they'd come to see and then another thing I remember bout the Sixties was all the famous freaks we met blah blah blah like President Kennedy no do I mean President Kennedy no he's the one that got it through the head in Dallas yeah well we've all got it through the head in Dallas man hur hur no the one I mean is the other one yeah thassit Hendrix we knew Hendrix before he died we didn't know him after he died cos by then he was dead anyway there was a cat Jimi was a real cat but people used to go on and on bout how he could really play guitar like Johnny B whatever blah blah blah but Jimi was never any fuckin good at guitar man nah don't give me that he had two left hands he had no fuckin idea how to groove maybe he could strum a bit if he got coked up but he couldn't fuckin rock'n'roll but I gotta say one thing for Jimi and that's he was one of the biggest Keith Richards fans in the whole fuckin world so you can't take that away from him and he once told me he hated the way Mick was always stealin the spotlight from me when I was the real genius fuckin legend behind the band and I'm like "Whoa this dude Jimi tells it like it is" but then he went and choked on his own vomit way to go man way to go hur hur so I didn't see him again don't get me wrong I don't have a thing against dead guys but after a while I run out of things to say to them and they don't give a lot back know what I mean...
...and there's another thing about the Sixties while we're on the whatever jeez you think you can remember nothin and then one memory triggers another and before you know it there's 600 rounds of memories per second spoolin out but I'll never forget The Beatles the so-called fuckin Beatles shit band there was John George Ringo and whatsit and they all had small todgers and couldn't sing and couldn't play and none of them ever got off with Anita not once well except maybe for Ringo oh yeah and p'raps John too and George but she told me she didn't even enjoy doin it with them at least not much and anyway no-one remembers The Beatles now no-one could give a fuckin shit about them they're even more of a total bummer than Mick though I love the guy like a brother but he's totally up his own arse...
...I don't want to knock Mick but all the songs we so-called wrote together weren't written by him they were written by me like dada dadada dadada da da da dada the openin bars of Satisfaction they just came to me like out of the clear blue fuckin sky like 9/11 and all that shit dada dadada dadada da da da dada shit it like all just came together and I'm thinkin whoa I'm thinkin whoa this riff's gonna change history it's like the Battle of Britain and the six chicks of Henry 8th and the Magna Blah Blah Blah all rolled into one and don't get me wrong I love Mick like a brother but that fuckin asshole shouldn't take the credit cos it was all me there should be a law against it and Mick's just a fuckin piece of small dick crap but hey I'm cool about it I'm really cool and anyway Anita gave me a blow job first I got it first I did I did he was way behind and my book's earned four fuckin million and his hasn't even been written yet so he's lookin pretty fuckin small now but hey who cares man I'm just laid back I'm just like so fuckin totally laid back hey man I'm cool.
This article originally appeared in Private Eye magazine
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