This was Jennifer Lopez week on American Idol, and the results speak for themselves. In case you're too young to remember, Jennifer Lopez was a popular movie/music personality from the early '00's, starring in movies like The Cell and Maid in Manhattan. Her hit records included I'm Real and My Love Don't Cost a Thing. Her singing voice was kind of like Sanjaya's, but not as pretty, and if you heard "I'm Real" for the first time today, you might find it hard to believe it got played on the radio a heck of a lot, but it did, for reasons later elucidated by the New York attorney general's office. But suffice it to say that inviting Jennifer Lopez to spend an hour telling other people how to sing better is brilliant -- like a Billy Joel driving lesson or a yoga class with Mo Vaughn. Could you hurry it up, Jen? I'm meeting Wesley Snipes later, he's gonna help me fill out my 1040-EZ form. Don't worry, Halle Berry's giving me a ride.
As for the other Haley, Miss Scarnato's journey ended last night, after one of the many Gloria Estefan tributes on a Latin night when the only Idol with the cojones to sing in Spanish was Sanjaya "Blow Me Mucho" Malakar. No surprise -- as our Jenny Eliscu brilliantly put it yesterday, Haley was like "the talent portion of a Miss America competition, minus the talent portion of the talent portion." But for the rest of her life, Haley can say she learned whiny, nasal, tone-deaf bleating from the best: Jennifer Lopez. Meanwhile, does Jennifer's appearance mean (1) she wants to start singing for Ja Rule again, (2) she's out boosting her public profile on behalf of this awesome new secret celebrity religion she joined with that guy who was the Fresh Prince or Urkel or something, or (3) she wants to remind producers her phone hasn't been shut off? All I know is, "Bailamos" blew. Adios, Haley. Silencio -- no hay banda.