Holiday Song Remix: New Classics We'd Really Like to Hear

What if Britney decked the halls and Ozzy sang of reindeer? These tunes will stuff your stocking and roast your chestnuts

Sculptures by Liz Lomax
On Jimi! On Britney! On Weezy & Springsteen!
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Honky Tonk Santa
to the tune of "Honky Tonk Women"

I met her on a snowy Christmas evening
She said she used my chimney for a slide
The lady said she'd flown all night to see me
Then she took me upstairs for a reindeer ride.
It's the honky tonk Santa
Gimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

She wore red velvet pants and boots of leather
I offered eggnog, but she demanded wine
She smoked up all the ashes from my fireplace
She trimmed my tree and then she trimmed my mind.
It's the honky tonk Santa
Gimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

She gave me swans a-swimming and maids a-milking
All the French hens and turtle doves I'd need
And said there were some Puerto Rican elves just dyin' to meet me
Then she threw me in the back of her sleigh and said, "Let it bleed."
It's the honky tonk Santa
Gimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

The lady gave me gin-soaked Yuletide kisses
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
She flew back up my chimney, but she told me,
"I only come but once a year."
It's the honky tonk Santa
Gimme, gimme, gimme the Christmas Eve blues.

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Photo: Sculpture by Liz Lomax

Purple Sleighs
to the tune of "Purple Haze"

Purple sleighs
Ride through my brain
Zebra stripes
On my candy cane
Foxy ladies
Decorate my walls
'Scuse me while I deck my balls.

Magic mushrooms
And mistletoe
Elves and gnomes
Dancing in the snow
Orange sunshine and silver bells
Looks like we're heading for that First Noel.

Move over, Rover!
And let Santa take over!

Purple sleighs
Ride through my brain
Crosstown traffic
Down Jingle Bell Lane
Come join our funky gypsy band
We'll go walking in a windowpane wonderland.

Stockings hung
By the chimney with care
Lysergic headband
Holding back my hair
Partridges in the party tree
Lord, that Christmas spirit cast a spell on me.

Not necessarily merry, but...
Feliz Navidad.

 

Photo: Sculpture by Liz Lomax

Rudolph the Black Sabbath Reindeer
to the tune of "Iron Man"

See his shiny nose
You would even say it glows
Reindeer call him names
Won't let him play no reindeer games.

[Chorus] Nobody wants him
He can't ride on their sleds
Nobody likes him
So Rudolph plots his revenge.

Santa wouldn't believe
Until that foggy Christmas Eve
"With your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Nobody liked him
They just turned away
Screams of vengeance
As he crashes the sleigh.

Rudolph's nose so red
Fills his victims full of dread
Christmas catastrophe
He'll go down in history.

Morrissey the Snowman
to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”

Morrissey the Snowman
Was a pale and morbid soul
He was made of snow
He read Wilde and Poe
And his repartee was droll.

Morrissey the Snowman
Loved to make the children cry
He would moan and sing,
“I can’t wait for spring
And the dreaded sunny day I die.”

The more the children loved him
His Eskimo blood would freeze
He’d sigh and say, “Why pamper
All of life’s complexities?”

Morrissey the Snowman
Finally got his chance to melt
But we heard him say
As he dripped away,
“Now I know how Joan of Arc felt.”

Photo: Sculpture by Liz Lomax

December 24th
to the tune of "1999"

I was dreaming when I wrote this
It might be crazy to believe
But when I woke up this morning
This morning was Christmas Eve
Forgot to do my shopping
For the ladies on my purple list
Gotta haul ass to the mall
Or those ladies might get slightly pissed.

They say that Santa's coming
With his toys from the Great White North
So tonight I'm gonna shop
Like it's December 24th.

The streets were total chaos
The mall had no security guard
Maxed out my purple AmEx
Now I'm burning out my MasterCard
I hit Victoria's Secret
The Body Shop had me in line
I got lost in Bed and Bath
Till that Beyond showed me a funky time.

They say that Santa's coming
With his toys from the Great White North
So tonight I'm gonna shop
Like it's December 24th.

I got toys for Wendy and Lisa,
Apollonia, Diamond and Pearl,
Plus new sticks for Sheila E.,
Because she's my little drummer girl.
If you brought me gay apparel
Leave it underneath my tree
But I won't don it till I check
If this apparel's gay enough for me.

They say that Santa's coming
With his toys from the Great White North
So tonight I'm gonna shop
Like it's December 24th.

If you didn't come for bargains
Don't bother knocking on the door
The mall's about to close
And we're still battling store to store
In line at Crate & Barrel
My mind says prepare to fight
But if I'm going broke
I'm gonna have myself a freaky tonight.

They say that Santa's coming
With his toys from the Great White North
So tonight I'm gonna shop
Like it's December 24th.

Hammer of the Claus
to the tune of "Immigrant Song"

I come from the land of the ice and snow
Where the reindeer fly and the chestnuts glow
Hammer of the Claus
Ride our sleighs to new lands
Sliding down your chimney tonight
North Pole, I am comi-i-i-ng.

So when you're sleeping
When you're awake
You better be good for evil's sake.

I come from the land of the ice and snow
Where Jack Frost nips at Satan's nose
Blitzen rides again
Whisper tales of Donder
If the stores are all closed,
your parents are hosed
We are your overlor-or-or-ords.

So when you're sleeping
When you're awake
You better be good for evil's sake.

So now you better stop
Your crying and your pouting
To be a rock and not to roll
Or find your stocking full of coal.

Ho ho, ho ho, ho ho...

Photo: Sculpture by Liz Lomax

Mangerland
to the tune of "Jungleland"

In the little town of Bethlehem
Mary looks so fine
She and Joseph rode their B.C. '16 camels
Over the Jersey state line.

She's givin' birth in the barn tonight
While Joseph takes his stand
With cows and donkeys and sheep and goats
Down in Mangerland.

When they pulled into Bethlehem
There was no room at the inn
So Joseph opened the stable door
And told her, "Yo, Mary, climb in."

Since God got Mary pregnant
Joseph plays in a rock & roll band
While the shepherds get restless
and so do the sheep
Out in Mangerland.

Outside the snow's on fire
In a real death waltz
Between Nazareth and Galilee
And the wise men down here
Don't know nothing at all
They just leave presents under the tree.

And the angel spoke,
"Lo, the change was made uptown
And the Big Man has joined the band
So pour out a little wine on the stable floor
Tonight...
In...
Man...
Ger...
Laaaaaand.

Photo: Sculpture by Liz Lomax

DTF the Halls
to the tune of "Deck the Halls"

It's Britney, bitch!

DTF with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Santa, baby, won't you call me
Fa la la la la, la la la la
On your lap the party's jumping
Fa la la la la, la la la la
In your pants the bass is pumping
Fa la la la la, la la la la

I've been a naughty Brit this year
Fa la la la la, la la la la
So let me spread my Christmas cheer
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tonight's the night for my atonement
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And I can tell just what your bone meant
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Have yourself a Britney Christmas
Fa la la la la, la la la la
This beat is sicker than the remix
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be skeezin'
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And you know what mood Britney's in
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Let me be your femme fatale
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The silver bell of your Christmas ball
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Let's go make angels in the snow
Fa la la la la, la la la la
There's mistletoe on my cameltoe
Fa la la la la, la la la la

The Dreidel Song
to the tune of "All Along the Watchtower"

"I have a little dreidel
I made him out of clay
But, oy, there's too much confusion,"
I heard the joker say.

"Schmucks and gonifs, they drink my wine
Their eggnog makes my head spin
My Chanukah gelt is worth bupkes
Oh, dreidel, will I ever win?"

"No reason, all this kvetching,"
the dreidel kindly spoke.
"There are many here among us
Who feel this whole month is but a joke.

"The economy is fakakta,
The mall has nowhere to park
The goyim buy toy guns that spark
Or flesh-colored Christs that
glow in the dark."

"I too have a little dreidel,"
Drake arrived to say.
"And she is one fine-ass dreidel
I molded her ass out of clay.

"I take her to Club Paradise
The DJ gives her a spin
And once she gets a taste of me
She falls, and then I win."

Gaga Got Her Freak On With a Reindeer
to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

Gaga got her freak on with a reindeer
At her Monster Ball on Christmas Eve
You can doubt that Santa likes to party
But all us little monsters, we believe.

Gaga wore her glitter strap-on antlers
And dragged St. Nick out on the floor to dance
She dashed and danced and pranced just like a vixen
And taught that man the meaning of bad romance.

Gaga tickled Santa's jolly belly
And underneath his beard of snowy white
She told him, "Better fasten up your seat belt –
This isn't gonna be a silent night."

Santa had a taste of figgy pudding
Then he felt his brain and senses leave
He woke up nude in Gaga's sleigh-shaped hot tub
She really put the X in Xmas Eve.

Gaga got her freak on with a reindeer
She partied hard with Comet and Cupid too
She told them all, "Good night and Merry Christmas
It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride in leather with you."

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This is from the December 8, 2011 issue of Rolling Stone.

From The Archives Issue 1145: December 8, 2011
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