Well squirmed, Ricky Gervais! As always, the Golden Globes bash was the award show nobody takes seriously — it’s just a bunch of movie stars packed into the Beverly Hilton Hotel, where they get plied with drinks, though not as many as whoever did Scarlett Johansson’s hair. But Gervais spent the show proving he takes it less seriously than anyone. He was a prize bitch all night, insulting the whole crowd, but he was bloody brilliant, and he kept everyone awake for a few hours, which is more than The Tourist could do.
People mostly watch the Golden Globes for slutty outfits and cheap laughs, and this year was seriously short on slutty outfits. (You know the slut aesthetic is taking a night off when the newly single Scarlett decides to go cleavage-free. Scarlett! What happened?) So it was down to the cheap laughs, and Gervais delivered. He started the show by announcing, “Welcome to a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.” He took shots at Steve Carell (for costing him money by leaving The Office), Tim Allen (well, why was he there?), Cher (“it’s not 1975”), and closeted gay Scientologists (stunning the room into a loud gasp). He mimed Hugh Hefner’s fiancee’s sex techniques, i.e. checking her watch while giving head. He introduced Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad.” It might have been the bitchiest awards show ever.
The Globes show is always a top-notch TV party, but as for the actual awards, nobody really gives a toss. As Peter Travers put it so eloquently, these “globe-shaped dildos” are the stupidest movie prize ever, conferred by the not-terribly-credible Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Though you did have to marvel that Mad Men got shut out, after one of the best seasons any drama series has ever had. Are they just holding a grudge about Faye?
Still, it was cool to see the well-deserved TV wins for Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Chris Colfer (Glee), Jane Lynch (Glee) and Katey Segal (Sons of Anarchy). Right after Segal’s award was announced, the camera cut to her former Bundy bedmate Ed O’Neill cheering her on. It was probably the least he could do after all those Married With Children barbs. (Best Al Bundy line ever: “We all live with our disappointments. I sleep with mine.”)
The whole night was full of bizarre moments. Robert De Niro won a lifetime achievement award and then made a Rupert Pupkin-esque acceptance speech that failed to mention Martin Scorsese, the Tribeca Film Festival, or Bananarama. But he complained his career-highlight montage didn’t go on long enough and then did a stand-up routine that was apparently fished out of Jay Leno’s dumpster circa 2008. Damn, it was painful. So was Christian Bale, trying way too hard as usual. Robert Downey Jr, Tina Fey and Natalie Portman were genuinely hilarious. Annette Bening thanked her husband Warren Beatty, who won the Golden Globe for Most Promising Newcomer in 1962. Trent Reznor won Best Score, but alas, he was the only rock star who would come within a mile of these awards. Unless you count Jenny Lewis, who was there with Jake Gyllenhaal (it’s called “moving on”). There was also a brief but welcome glimpse of the ever-awesome Wendy Melvoin, Prince’s guitarist in the “Purple Rain” days, who was sitting with her girlfriend, The Kids Are All Right director Lisa Cholodenko. The water is warm enough!
The funniest moment? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got busted sneaking back into the room. They were flamboyantly entwined all night, with Angie suggestively adjusting Brad’s bowtie at one point right before a commercial break. Then the camera caught them slipping back to their table together, walk-of-shame-style, after a mysterious absence — perhaps to “adjust the bowtie.” A few moments later, she was conspicuously re-applying her lip gloss. Subtle! No doubt it was totally innocent, right? But they looked suspiciously post-coital the rest of the evening — in fact, they were almost mellow enough to chuckle at Gervais’s jokes. Almost.
Tragic postscript: Yet another award show without Jessica Alba? For shame, Hollywood. For shame.