Rivers Cuomo: The Bachelor Years


Yikes: Gawker dredged up an essay Rivers Cuomo wrote for one of his Harvard professors two years ago. It's like watching someone else's show-up-to-work-naked nightmare come true. Our favorite parts, and by "favorite" we mean "most alarming":

"On the next few tours I started going to massage parlors ... Many nights, after leaving one of these establishments, I would wander around the seedy district of some strange, foreign city with thousands of dollars in my pocket, trying to find the way back to my hotel, afraid to ask anyone for help."

"First I tried internet dating. I spent three hours filling out answers to questions like "Would you describe yourself more as: outgoing, personable, extroverted, or just plain jolly?" After submitting this application, I was immediately rejected with the explanation, "We are sorry, but there is no one in our database, anywhere in the world, that is appropriate for you. Thank you!!" I felt humiliated."

"Bathroom-use led to showing ... of-the-apartment which then led to frantic groping on the couch, rendered comical by the fact that I wouldn't let myself kiss her or touch her anywhere important. "How does that feel, baby?" I said, fondling her elbow."

Sorry, ladies - he's taken!

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