A few days ago we reported on Eddie Van Halen's recent radio interview with Howard Stern, but nothing but a transcription can capture the true insanity of this exchange -- it's taken us hours and hours just to process Van Halen's vitriolic comments about David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar and how his 15-year old son Wolfgang is a better bass player than Michael Anthony. Let's go straight to the highlights:
On curing his tongue cancer without chemo or radiation:
Eddie Van Halen: "I cured my cancer in a way that's not exactly legal in this country. I'd tell you, but I don't want to go to jail. When you drink your damn draino it just holds it at bay. It comes back. Cancer is like a cockroach. It just comes back stronger. I'm tearing apart the immune system of the cockroach and seeing how it ticks. I've opened up my own pathology center. Some of us open tequila bars in Mexico, I'm curing cancer. They cut a healthy piece of my tongue off and grew healthy cells outside of my body and tested them. I'm missing a third of my tongue. They butchered me. I didn't quit smoking after I got tongue cancer cause smoking didn't cause it."
On a possible reunion with David Lee Roth:
HS: "Diamond David Lee Roth never wanted piano in Van Halen."
EVH: "You mean cubic zirconia?"
HS: "You're never going to do a reunion with him, are you?"
EVH: "Ummm...You know, I'm open to anything."
HS: "Really? He makes it seem like you are never open..."
EVH: "In 2000 Alex and I tried to pull something together with him."
HS: "What happened? You couldn't stand being around him?"
EVH: "No, the guys's a loose cannon - but I can deal with loose cannons."
Robin: "Everyone says you're the problem."
EVH: "Yeah, because I don't respond or talk about this stuff."
On Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony's current Sans Halen tour:
EVH: "Michael Sobolewski [Michael Anthony's real last name] is out touring with 'the little red rocker' ... I mean the little red worm. I got no problem with these guys, but they're billing themselves as the other half of Van Halen. My brother is the other half of Van Halen. They're out there selling hot sauce and tequila and playing all my songs. It doesn't bother me. It just makes them a cover band."
On the porno movie he wrote two songs for:
EVH: "I don't call it porn. I call it sex. It's like Braveheart with a cum shot. Everyone's giving me their dweeb opinion about this - but without sex you wouldn't be here to give me your dweeb opinion."
On his new girlfriend:
EVH: "I have a girlfriend. Her name's Janie. She's a press agent...You're damn right she's super hot. We met at a press conference. We've been together two months."
On his fifteen-year-old son Wolfgang joining Van Halen:
EVH: "My son Wolfgang plays drums, guitars and bass. This kid is fucking dangerous. If I excel at the speed of sound, he excels at the speed of light. My brother goes, 'This is the first time I've had bass in my headphones.' He's only fifteen years old and he's getting laid. He's spanking it too."
HS: "How do you know that?"
EVH: "When you spend 45 minutes in the bathroom you're not taking a shower. Valerie and I have joint custody of Wolfgang. For the last couple of weeks Alex, he and I have been jamming together."
HS: "You wouldn't go back on the road with Hagar, would you?"
EVH: "I'm pretty much open to anything. What's going to happen is that there's a new member of Van Halen, and that is my son."
HS: "I'm hearing your son is in and Michael Anthony is out."
EVH: "My son is in and Sobolewski can do whatever he wants. The name Van Halen, the family legacy, is going to go on long after I'm gone. This kid is just a natural. I'm going to have him play on a solo record, and it's going to be out - he and I."