With the World Cup heating up to bite-worthy levels of intensity, it's the perfect time for everyone's favorite wise-ass pooch, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, to diffuse the situation with some crass soccer observations. On Tuesday night's episode of Conan, the beloved puppet (and his operator, comedy writer Robert Smigel) hit the streets of Queens, making fun of the sport and an array of fans from Colombia, Greece and Uruguay.
"Tens of thousands of Africans, Europeans and South Americans are converging in Brazil to create a flash mob of horrible BO," Triumph says to open the report. Thus begins his tirade on the slow-paced nature of the sport. "The rest of the world calls it 'futbol,'" he says. "In America, we call it 'a fucking waste of time'. . . You have to love soccer: the excitement of minimal contact, the thrill of low scoring. If you like watching porn in reverse, this sport is for you."
In the Astoria neighborhood, Triumph watches a game street-side with a handful of fans, taking another cheap shot at the sport's style of play. "As soon as the teams are done jogging and warming up, they are going to start the game," he says. "Oh, wait – I've just been informed that this is the game and I've actually been watching soccer for the past two hours."
And it wouldn't be a Triumph piece without some direct personal insults, so the cigar-smoking canine takes plenty of chances to (as he famously puts it) "poop on" international soccer fans. Throughout, he makes fun of the Ikea-styled look of the Uruguay flag (and leads a chant of "Uruguay / I'm a gay / We're all gay for Uruguay"), tells plenty of "yo mama" jokes and tells one fan that soccer is "a metaphor for (his) life: little or no goals."
Elsewhere, he sneaks in a few good humps on one gentleman's head and makes fun of several fans' fashion choices ("Did your barber tell you it was a good idea? It's a tragedy: Uruguay lost, and a 70-year-old man has a ponytail.").
Triumph's insulted just about everyone during his appearances on Conan O'Brien's various late night shows, but Smigel's poop-obsessed puppet is getting a more consistent gig within the next few years. Back in May, Adult Swim greenlighted an as-yet-untitled, live-action sitcom starring the profane mutt opposite former 30 Rock actor Jack McBrayer.