Every kid who's seen Home Alone has daydreamed about being Kevin McCallister, imagining how much fun it would be to fend off two buffoonish burglars by rigging their parents' house into a giant deathtrap. On the other hand, nobody likes to think about how traumatizing that kind of experience must have been for the cherubic eight-year-old boy who had to live with it; being abandoned by your family on Christmas is bad enough, but having to defend yourself from violent home invaders on top of everything else? That's just a massive therapy bill waiting to happen.
Macaulay Culkin may never appear in another Home Alone movie (they're still making cut-rate sequels!), but thanks to a new web series from comedian and former Moldy Peaches musician guitarist Jack Dishel, we finally know just how badly Kevin McCallister was scarred for life. Spoiler alert: very.
In the debut episode of :DRYVRS, a web series in which an Uber-like cab ride goes horribly wrong every time, Dishel is picked up by an agitated 35-year-old Kevin (played by Culkin, himself). A far cry from the "the cutest fucking eight-year-old in the universe, by far" (as Kevin describes his former self), the cracked dude behind the wheel immediately starts worrying his passenger. But it's not until Dishel switches seats with his DRYVR that the truth begins to pour out. "I still have nightmares about this bald weirdo dude chasing me around talking like Yosemite Sam," a shaking McCallister confesses between cigarette drags. "They don't even curse!"
Fortunately for McCallister (and his fare), he also still remembers the mad MacGyver skills that made him such a deadly child, and the guy who tries to carjack his wife's ride is about to learn that the hard way.
Additional episodes of :DRYVRS will be uploaded to Dishel's YouTube page in 2016. Future guest stars include Rosanna Arquette and Steven Weber.