Twelve

Picture Gossip Girl with hard drugs, R-rated sex and bloody shooting massacres at parties for privileged Manhattan teens. Wait, that sounds like fun. Joel Schumacher's Twelve, from a much better 2002 novel by Nick McDonell, is a drag-ass slog with GG's Chace Crawford as a sober weed dealer, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson as his supplier, and a young cast whose work is done by irritating, wall-to-wall voice-over from Kiefer Sutherland. Sorry, no XOXO for this slick, hollow hooey.

From The Archives Issue 154: February 14, 1974
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