The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson
Directed by Bill Condon
It's Dead! It's Dead! By which I mean, It's Finished! It's Finished! Five movies have been squeezed out of four Stephenie Meyer Twilight books. All of them redefining cinematic tedium for a new century. And now, It's Over! It's Over! No more Twilight movies EVER! I'm so joyful that I might be overrating The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2 by saying it's not half bad. Actually, it's almost completely bad. But there's a smidge of twisted energy in the final chapter as if everyone is relieved to be done with the damn thing. It helps that human girl Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is now a full vampire and doesn't have to whine all the time about choosing bloodsucker Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) or wolfboy Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). Stewart and Pattinson may have their ups and downs off screen, but Bella and Edward are in it for keeps, bonded by their daughter Renesmee who is half-immortal. Don't ask. KStew and RPatz don't moon over each other nearly as much since Bella can exercise her vamp muscles by killing helpless animals and giving Edward a hell of a time in bed. I don't really know what to make of the homo-erotic scene in which Jacob strips down like a Chippendale pro in front of Bella's sheriff dad (Billy Burke) before going wolf on him. I only know I smiled a lot. Even Lautner, over his head as an actor in any kind of movie, seems to be enjoying himself. It's as if the slumming Bill Condon, who directed the worst Twilight movie in Breaking Dawn, Part I, started thinking, "fuck it," and decided to laugh subversively at the whole silly business. Even screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg who usually approaches Meyer's plots as if they were holy writ, pulls a clever switch with the climax. No one has a better time than Michael Sheen as vamp chief Aro, leading legions of Volturi in a war against these rebels. Sheen is so deliciously hammy his performance should come with a side of pineapple. But at least there's action, made especially hilarious by tacky special effects. The digital wolves look ridiculous. But even they have to take a backseat to the dialogue in which Bella and Edward, cuddling in a meadow, profess to love each other "forever and forever." You can see the effort it takes for Stewart and Pattinson not to do a spit-take. It must be devotion to the Twi-hards who made their careers, or excellent weed, that helped them maintain straight faces. You're going to hear a lot about Breaking Dawn Part 2 being the best of the Twilight movies. That's like saying a simple head cold is preferable to swine flu. They'll all make you sick.