Every century gets the Punky Brewster it deserves. So meet Hilary Duff, queen of the preteen scene. (Amanda Bynes, step off! Dakota Fanning, bow down.) Duff is the most important person in the world to her devoted fan base of ten-year-old girls, and utterly unknown to anybody else. Her star vehicle has been the Disney TV comedy Lizzie McGuire, the adventures of a fifteen-year-old smart aleck. You're not exactly missing out if you've never heard of Duff, but she does have starlike charm. Hence, the full-body cheese massage that is The Lizzie McGuire Movie, in which Lizzie heads off to Rome for a wacky summer vacation. Does she meet a cute Italian boy for wholesome romance? Does she learn a few valuable lessons about life? Does she get busted in a six-way mushroom orgy at a Palermo flophouse, ending up trapped in a women's prison run by sadistic lesbian guards? Yes, yes and nice try.
From The Archives Issue 462: December 5, 1985