Season of the Witch kicks off the new movie year with a resounding thud as Nicolas Cage, in a wig of blond ringlets seemingly snatched from Gwyneth Paltrow's Country Strong collection, portrays a knight of the Crusades on God's duty. It's the 14th century, baby, and Behman (that's Cage) and his comrade in arms, Felson (Hellboy's Ron Perlman), must deliver a witch (Claire Foy) to a monastery so a hotshot monk can read mumbo-jumbo at her and end the scourge of plague that has the population popping oozing postules.
The real plague is the movie, a sci-fi hodgepodge of bad history and worse special effects. Director Dominic Sena allows the actors to mug outrageously in accents that range from fake British to bogus Jersey Shore. I may be making Season of the Witch sound like more fun than it is. Trust me, it's as bloodless as a starved vampire. Instead of a review, it deserves a stake in the heart. Die, monster, die.