If you've turned on TV in the last week, you've been bombarded with mind-numbing commercials for this living hell of a movie about two people — perky pastry girl Holly (Katherine Heigl) and pervy sports guy Messer (Josh Duhamel) — who hate each other until they inherit a baby when the kid's parents die in a car crash.

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Cue the poopy diapers that make two lovers of foes. I wanted to throw a fully-loaded Pamper at the screen. Heigl and Duhamel, on the shoals of once promising careers, struggle mightily to persuade us they are playing humans. But the machine that grinded out this drool possesses nothing resembling a soul. This is crap as we know it, a 113 minute package of romcom suck.

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“Help Me”

Joni Mitchell wrote and recorded this song for her album Court and Spark, but she had to switch from her regular band to make the song sound exactly the way she wanted. "I had attempted to play my music with rock & roll players," she told Rolling Stone. "They’d laugh, 'Awww, isn't that cute? She's trying to teach us how to play.'" Mitchell switched to a jazz band, Tom Scott’s L.A. Express, and scored the biggest hit of her career in the process.