Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

hansel and gretel: witch hunters

What to say about this lame-brained, limp dick attempt to update a classic Brothers Grimm tale into an f-bomb throwing vomit-inducing 3D franchise? I say, screw the damn thing and run the other way. It's all kinds of sad to see the gifted Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker, The Town) tainting his rep for the sake of a quick payday. Renner plays the grownup Hansel. The British actress Gemma Arterton takes on Gretel, his sister. And they're both in the – wait for it – witch hunting business. That's a cue for Norwegian writer-director Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow) to explode heads and toss stuff at us in 3D. Hansel's candy fetish has made him the first recorded diabetic of the Middle Ages. He carries an old-school hypodermic needle. Them's the jokes, folks. Hansel does have a keen eye for business. "Trolls are extra," he tells the sheriff (Peter Stormare). This may be the longest 90 minutes you ever spend in a theater. You¹ve been warned.