Clash of the Titans

Release the Kraken and any other demon from hell you can conjure from Greek mythology for being mythically dull, dragass and devoid of wit. No way will I make a case for the first Titans in 1981, but at least the fabled Ray Harryhausen created magnificent monsters. This remake, directed by Louis Letterier (The Incredible Hulk), purports to be in 3D, but was actually retrofitted to exploit the appetite for the extra dimension fostered by the success of Avatar. So you'll be paying up to six bucks extra for a ticket to wear 3D glasses you don't need. Take off your glasses during a movie actually filmed in 3D and you'll see a blurry image. Take off your glasses during Clash of the Titans and everything looks normal.

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The film is a sham, with good actors going for the paycheck and using beards and heavy makeup to hide their shame. For that Avatar feeling, there's Sam Worthington as Perseus, the bastard son of a human mother and the god Zeus (Liam Neeson at his most bombastic). Zeus's brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes channeling Lord Voldemort) wants to declare war on humans. Perseus must save the day by fighting the Medussa, a head with a giant tail, and laying waste to the Kraken, a sea monster who is actually another head with a giant tail. Staring at the Medussa can turn you to stone. The godawful dialogue did it for me. Neeson roaring, "release the Kraken" belongs in the camp time capsule. It will haunt him for years.

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