Where we left off – Carl the Kid survived surgery. Little Girl Sophia is still lost in the woods somewhere. Shane shaved his head after lying to the Still Alives about how Otis died. Zombies ate Otis, and it was sort of awesome.
Where we pick up – a serene shot of a lone pine tree. Some cows graze in a field. (Why haven’t zombies eaten these cows? Beef! It’s what’s for zombie dinner!) The farmhouse looks calm and peaceful and for once isn’t lit up like an amusement park. It’s pretty chill over here at the Greene compound. Until, cue the Steppenwolf: here comes Daryl on the world’s loudest motorcycle, leading the remaining Still Alives in a motorcade to the farm. It seems completely ridiculous to announce one’s living, breathing presence by riding the world’s loudest motorcycle, but somehow they don’t attract a herd of zombies by making that much noise. Bummer.
Carl the Kid wakes up, and his fever is down. He asks about Sophia. Sheriff Rick lies to him and tells him that Sophia is fine. These little lies add up, Sheriff Rick! This is how you mess up your kids!
Doc Hershel conducts a funeral service for Otis over a cairn of rocks. Despite accidentally shooting a kid, it seems like Otis was a good dude. He gave his life to save a child, the good Doctor tells us. And children are “now, more than ever, our most precious asset.” See, Lori? This is why it was important not to let your son die. Because children are our most precious asset because someday they are going to have to grow up and start bonking and repopulating the earth after the zombocalypse is over.
Doc Hershel asks Shane to eulogize Otis, since he witnessed his last moments. Patricia (Otis’s ladyfriend) encourages Shane, because she wants to know that Otis’s death had meaning. Shane spins a tale about how Otis said he’d take the rear (heh) and cover him and then, alas, the zombies got him, and we should all remember that Otis’s good deeds let Shane live which also means that Carl could survive. Otis saved everyone. He is a zombpocalypse hero, although I am slightly worried that he is going to show up at the farm as a zombie and eat everybody.
So, for some reason, Greene Farm is a no-gun sort of compound, which seems completely insane seeing as all the people who live there are always gallivanting around in the broad daylight or else keeping all the lights in their farmhouse blazing throughout the night. But Doc Hershel insists – no guns. Sheriff Rick respects the no-gun rule since they’re squatting on the Doc’s land for now.
Maggie says she needs to make a run into town to go to the pharmacy and get more antibiotics. Hold the phone, girl. There’s a TOWN somewhere nearby? With a PHARMACY? And you didn’t take ALL OF THE ANTIBIOTICS the last time you went into this afore-mentioned town? Dude. Grab a duffel bag and loot that shit. Take it all. Do not leave anything for the zombies.
Before Maggie can set off to go to the magical town that we’ve just learned about, Shane and Lori have a dramatic moment. “Did you mean it? You said ‘stay,’” implores Shane. Lori assures him that she meant it. Shane looks at her like he’s interpreting her “stay” as “someday we will totally start doin’ it again, like maybe Sheriff Rick will die and then Lori will want to make the beast with two backs with him.” Sex! People be thinkin’ ‘bout sex!
Speaking of sex! Maggie tells Glen that she hears he’s fast on his feet and knows how to get in and out. (That’s what she said.) She invites him to come on her town run. In my head, their visit to town is going to turn out exactly like the one in “Wet Hot American Summer.” Please?
Sheriff Rick asks Doc Hershel if he would prefer if the Still Alives set up closer to the barn, to give Team Greene more space. The Doc gives him a stern look. “I can’t have your people thinking this is permanent,” he says. “You’ll move on once you find Sophia. We need to be clear on that.” Okay, so we are not anticipating a long-lasting Still Alives / Team Greene alliance. I guess the Doc doesn’t want too many people mooching on his electricity and hot water and orange juice and sandwiches, but he still seems like a bit of a dick. Where else will the Still Alives go? It’s not like there are millions of farmhouses with working hot water heaters and sandwich bread out there in the woods around Atlanta.
Lori grabs Glen before he can get in and out (heh) of town. She has a list of stuff that everyone needs, and she also needs one super-special secret item. Shhhhhhh, Glen. This is a matter of utmost discretion. The magical item she needs can be found in the feminine hygiene aisle. So many embarrassing things are in the feminine hygiene aisle—things one needs to cover up with a roll of paper towels when one brings them to the register to pay. Things like tampons, condoms, lube, Depends undergarments … hmmmmm. What could Lori want? Could it possibly have something to do with her unprotected humpings with Shane before Rick showed up?
T-dog and Uncle Dale are at Well #2, discussing T-dog’s momentary blood-poisoning-induced insanity. Uncle Dale walks over to peer into the well and bolts back to T-dog’s side. “I wouldn’t drink that if I were you,” he warns.
All the Still Alives gather over the well and stare into its depths. There is a bloated, swollen, bulging, goopy zombie trapped down at the bottom of the well. He is not feeling very Marukami about his condition, that’s for sure. The Still Alives can’t shoot him because then his infected guts will contaminate the water supply. So they’ll have to get him out alive (so to speak).
Meanwhile, Doc Hershel and Sheriff Rick are having an existential discussion about God. The Doc tells Rick to take a good look at the beauty of the planet. Rick mutters that the last time he stopped to admire a view, his kid got shot. Sure, Rick came out of a coma and survived the zombies trying to eat him and magically found his wife and kid in the woods and then his kid got shot but his kid still survived – but does he feel god in all of this? Nope. God might have a grim sense of humor, but Sheriff Rick isn’t buying it. Albert Einstein refused to believe that God was playing dice with the universe, but Sheriff Rick is just tired of God getting all Ashton Kutcher on him.
The Still Alives make the genius decision to dangle Glen into the well as zombie-bait, because the zombie wasn’t going for the canned ham, as they apparently only like to eat live creatures. Or maybe that particular zombie keeps kosher. They tie a rope around Glen and anchor it to a pipe, and everything seems to be going fine until the pipe falls over and Glen plummets into the zombie-well. He struggles not to get bitten as the Still Alives strain to keep him out of the zombie’s maw. Finally, they get Glen to safety and Dale is like, “Well, look like we’ve got to back to the drawing board.” OH SNAP ON YOU, Dale! Glen managed to get the rope around the zombie’s head. Now all they have to do is pull out the swollen zombie and skull-smash him. Perfect.
While they’re hauling the zombie out of the well, his swollen body gets stuck. They pull and pull and pull, and then the zombie splits into two pieces. T-dog smashes the head section, but the butt section falls into the well, contaminating the water with greasy, grimy zombie guts. Bravo, Still Alives! Another brilliant choice. Now they have to seal off that well to prevent zombie-fection via the water supply.
Daryl is out Sophia-hunting, and he discovers yet another farmhouse – hmmm, apparently there are lots and lots of farmhouses in the woods not far from the freeway leading out of Atlanta. You so crazy, Georgia residents! He finds an open tin of catfood (yum!) and a little bed hidden away in a cupboard. He calls for Sophia, but she doesn’t answer. Where is this little girl? Can we just find her at this point, or just give up and accept that she’s in some zombie’s tummy? While he’s searching for her, he sees a white flower. And then he totally takes some time to stop and smell the roses. So to speak.
Shane, Andrea and Carol are also looking for Sophia. They return to their highway spot where they’ve left supplies for her and a note that says “Sophia, stay here. We will come every day.” The supplies look un-touched, although if I were a zombie I would definitely munch out on that peanut butter. Carol seems to be letting it all go. They walk through the woods back to the Greene compound, and Shane muses about what it feels like to kill somebody. He says a switch goes off and you stop feeling fear or anger or sympathy and you just do what you need to do. And then you have to forget it. It is probably a little difficult to forget you’ve killed a man when you are wearing his too-large clothes.
Glen and Maggie cloppity-clop into that magical town on their horses. It looks like the village that time forgot, like it was transported out of Frontierland in Disneyworld to some suburb of Atlanta. Glen tells Maggie he normally does his in-and-out business all-alone. He’s a loner, Maggie. A rebel. They go to the pharmacy (which is handily labeled with a sign that reads “TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND GOD BLESS”) and start looking for supplies. They each have a backpack. Honestly, if you are going into town, why are you not bringing ALL OF THE BACKPACKS to take whatever you can find so you don’t have to keep making trips into town? Glen fumbles through the ladyparts aisle so he can get Lori’s special item. Shocker! It’s a true-blue home pregnancy test! Maggie surprises him and he sneaks the pee-on-a-stick into his backpack and grabs the first thing he can find to distract her. Surprise! It’s a pack of condoms. Glen is ashamed but Maggie is like “Let’s do it! I don’t have many other options and I am lonely, too!”
Maggie takes off her shirt and bra, lickety split. She and Glen are about to have hot drugstore sex in the feminine hygiene aisle. We all know that you’re never supposed to have sex when there are monsters around because they will eat you since you are being sinful and impure. But Maggie and Glen get jiggy with it and the zombies don’t even show up. Neither does Jason or Mike Myers or any of the other bad guys who usually show up to murder people having sex in the feminine hygiene aisle. Man! This show!
Rick confronts Doc Hershel and asks him to reconsider asking the Still Alives to move on. Rick explains that he’s trying to help his people and he just wants to be a good dad and he’s sorry he lied to Carl the Kid about Sophia being safe. It turns out that Doc Hershel had a dick of a dad who was a loveless, violent drunk. Doc Hershel thinks Rick is being a good dad. He says he’ll think about it, but there are aspects to living on the Greene farm that he can’t and won’t discuss, but he just needs the Still Alives to respect his rules. What are these aspects? Please discuss them with us! Surely they are very important and it would be very nice to learn about them!
Maggie and Glen clip-clop back to the farm. Maggie mutters, “Don’t spoil it … it was a one-time thing.” Glen’s face is the epitome of “humph.”
Daryl visits Carol in the RV, where she’s cleaning it up and trying to make it pretty for Sophia’s eventual (interrobang) homecoming. He brings her the white flower he sniffed earlier. But it’s not just any flower – it’s a Cherokee Rose. Daryl explains that when the Americans were moving the Indians (uh, Native Americans) (uh, indigenous peoples of America) off their land, the Cherokee mothers cried as their children died. And wherever the mothers wept, these Cherokee Roses started to grow all along the Trail of Tears. Daryl says this Cherokee Rose is blooming for Sophia. Awwww.
Carl the Kid wakes up and Sheriff Rick wants to confess about the Sophia-lie, but Carl already knows the truth because Lori told him. Carl and Sheriff Rick realize they’re both in the we’ve-been-shot club and Rick gives Carl his special sheriff hat so they can share it, just like they share the experience of being shot and going into comas and waking up into a world that’s overrun with zombies. Sharing is caring!
Rick removes his sheriff stars and his shirt and Lori comes in to cuddle. She tells Rick to stay up with Carl for a little while. He goes off to chill with his son while Lori grabs her super-special-item and a knife and heads outside, past the RV and the other Still Alives. She squats on top of the well and undoes her pants. She is peeing. On a stick. In the dark. With a knife. And, lo and behold, it’s a good thing Glen brought her that super-special treat because she is, indeed, preggers. (Is that what Jenner told Rick back in the CDC? Because he ran blood tests on all of them? Hmmm).
And so we have another thing to complicate the Still Alives’ survival. Children are the most precious asset until they are totally going to ruin everything!
Humans: Sophia is still missing. There is a tiny baby growing in Lori’s tummy.
Zombies: Half of a zombie is dead. His other half is floating in a well.
LAST EPISODE: Welcome to Zombie High