'Star Wars' Responds to White House's Rejection of Death Star Petition

'It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire'

Star Wars
Courtesy Everett Collection
Star Wars fans suggested the United states construct their very own Death Star.
By |

Just days after the White House rejected a fan petition proposing that the United States build its very own Death Star by 2016, the official Star Wars website has issued a haughty response, purportedly on behalf of the Galactic Empire.

"It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire," reads the statement, attributed to Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. "Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine." The statement also criticizes the "obvious cowardice" of the "unimaginatively named" planet Earth.

According to Paul Shawcross, who authored the White House's rejection letter, building a Death Star wouldn't be practical, even though the Obama administration shares Star Wars fans' "desire for job creation and a strong national defense." Shawcross cited the whopping $850 quadrillion estimated price tag ("We're working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it," he pointed out) and other concerns: "Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?"

In the Galactic Empire's "response," Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet countered that "any attacks made upon such a station – should one ever be built – would be a useless gesture."

The White House referred disappointed Death Star supporters to the ambitious projects it has undertaken – like the International Space Station, "something already floating in the sky" – the Mars rover and a probe that will fly to the exterior layers of the sun.

Besides, who needs a Death Star when, as Shawcross wrote, we've got a President "who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon?

x