'Jersey Shore' Recap: Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets

The gang goes looking for crabs

jersey shore
Ian Spanier Photography
The cast of MTV's 'Jersey Shore.'
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WHY WOULD THEY MIC JIONNI BARFING LIKE THAT?!?! Good holy god. Hearing his drunken retching was like catching a glimpse of that clogged downstairs toilet from last season, but for the ears.

Actually, this whole episode played like an instructional video on how to destroy your intestinal lining. At one point Sammi literally gags at the fumes emanating from Ronnie's rank meat shits. The bathroom door, it does nothing! "He clogs the toilet every summer," the Situation sighs. If wood cannot contain it even in the slightest, Ron's fart gas is going to eventually eat through the whole damn house; someone's going to try and pick up the duck phone and realize it's been dissolved into a duck-shaped mess of slime. At another point, Snooki tries to repress a burping jag in the kitchen, vomiting into the back of her throat and swallowing, vomiting and swallowing. Then everyone goes out and takes shot after shot and eats Ruffles and cured meats and drinks electrolyte-replacing sugar water, forever. No wonder their plumbing is all fucked up. I can feel my esophagus start to dissolve just thinking about it.

In addition to discovering the root of the gang's constant G.I. distress, this was also the episode where I finally turned against Snooki. I know we are so, so, so far along on our journey, but girl is finally letting her ass show. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Because her entire butthole is constantly showing in real life. Maybe I just wasn't ready to accept it before now. Either way, watching Snooki shove Jionni and pout as he hovers at the edge of consciousness tipped the golden scales for me. Kicking the bathroom door as he voided the contents of his stomach, Snooki berates her boyfriend for being too drunk to fuck. Or, you know, be alive. "You suck," she hisses in his comatose ear. We've had a good run, Shnooks. Thank god for Deena and J-Woww. At least I can rely on them.

Speaking of which, after Roger takes a punch to the face from a creep trying to grope J-Woww (a blow which seems as effective as punching the front of a school bus), Jenni and her side of man-beef retire to the house for some sweet, sweet smoosh-rooming. But first! "My girl had to poop," Roger explains. As Jenni changes into her pajamas (checklist: t-shirt, undies, thigh-high torture sex boots), Roger sneaks down to enjoy a few teeny, tiny, puny human chicken salad sandwiches with the housemates. Jenni demands he return to bed, using the persuasive technique of whipping an exercise elastic at his head from the second story balcony. "The guy doesn't really get to hang out," Ronnie sympathizes. Oh, also, he notes, "Viagra takes at least three hours to kick in." On a side note, Ronnie is sort of killing it this season, right? Admits Roger, "I'm actually in love." Ah, Rog, we can't stay mad at you. How you two don't tear the house down with your muscular, Hulked-out lovemaking is beyond me.

The gang then takes to the dock for a little crab fishing, providing an opportunity for a plethora of crab jokes, made all the funnier by the fact that they are all made of crabs. "I never thought I'd be excited about catching crabs," the Situation jokes. Haha, that's not what your lifestyle, personal philosophy and overall demeanor suggest! After watching a grown man rip a fish in half in front of her, J-Woww still inquires as to whether the bait shop sells cappuccino or espresso.

Overall, the trip was a pretty adorable idea; good job, producers! "Get real!," Deena screams at a crab. "Did you know there's a fish called snook?" Snooki inquires. The gang is wholly charming as it yelps and drops fish and dances around squeamishly. Mike, in the words of Vinny, "is spread-eagle in one of his feminine poses," sunning himself, so Vinny flips a crab onto his bare chest. I feel like that moment was probably very fulfilling for people who subscribe to a very, very tiny niche fetish. As such, I chose to be happy for those among us who are masturbating to the .gif right now.

In a stroke of genius, some mastermind sets Snooki and Deena paddling off in an inflatable raft, which they clearly cannot control in anyway. Even struggling to put it in the water knocks Deena off her feet more than once, which is . . . pretty funny. After sliding, screaming, under the dock, Deena frantically tries to clamor onto a dinghy while the rest of the cast shouts warnings about the sharp edges of the boat. "Shark? Shark?" Deena shrieks. Oh god, Deena. I almost wished the water had been teeming with hammerheads, just to make her frantic scrambling less embarrassing. Right when you're pretty sure you're about to watch Snooki and Deena go down with the ship, Snooki flips out off of the raft . . . and stands up, the water only being three fucking feet deep. "It smells like the smoosh room in here," Jenni cracks, as the fragrant, sea-soaked Meatballs clamor into the car. Ugh, why you gotta use up all the good jokes, J-Woww? You know they're all I have!

Back at the house, Snooki and the Situation are buddies again, because someone mixed up their cue cards. They make a friendly wager: whoever gets one point in their ball-toss game has to wear Snooki's rabbit suit to Karma for 15 minutes. Snooki almost immediately loses. Did you know a particularly bad case of crabs can even invade people's eyelids and eyelashes? Yuck! I would rather my eyes be swarmed and devoured by crabs of either variety than smell the inside of that foul lagomorphic suit, which, according to Snooki, is redolent with a heady mix of "alcohol, sweat and jizz." Lola, as the suit has been named, is a working girl with "fake boobs, fake ass, fake vagina." Haha, don't tell Buffalo Bill! I'm kidding, of course. Buffalo Bill makes all his own clothes. As Vinny pervs when he sees Snooki wearing the costume's makeup-stained head, "you should always leave the mask on."

Snooki completes her end of the bargain, and the gang takes turns adding even more alcohol, sweat and jizz to the grimy costume on the dance floor. After the gentlemen acquire women willing to accommodate their greasy wieners for the evening, Snooki and Deena scramble over a chain-link fence to frolic in the surf. "Get real!" Snooki screams at the ocean. The cops show up almost immediately, which is good, as Deena was 97% likely to drown. One officer even shouts, "Nicole! Time's up!" Sadly, Deena's attempt to seduce a police officer is unsuccessful. "I bet in real life, you're a really good time," Deena purrs. "Maybe he can use his handcuffs later." Oh, he will, but probably on some 'roided-out 19-year-old and, again, not in a hot way. For now, Deena's life, her love and her lady is the sea, and even then the sea is kind of going through some things right now and isn't ready for any kind of big commitment. You understand, right? You're a down chick, Deena.

Pauly is still dealing with his "stalker" Vanessa, a girl who comes and stares at him at the t-shirt shop because she is young and he is on TV. Making her seem threatening, or even unusual, in any way seriously requires some Psycho-level editing. J-Woww takes it upon herself to find out what Vanessa is hiding in her bag. The options seem to be a) guns, b) Pauly's hair or, most likely, c) a chainsaw. Oh, are they making those travel-sized chainsaws now? Vanessa claims it's only a blanket, though Pauly shudders, "Maybe that's the blanket you're going to kill me in." Ah, are they making those murder blankets now? We really do live in an amazing age. Vanessa then walks back to the gigantic line of other people who are waiting for a chance to catch a glimpse of Pauly D, because again, he is a famous celebrity and has been for years now.

Toward the end of the episode, Vinny and Snooki hit the boardwalk for a little one-on-one friend time. Snook has nothing but declarations of love for Jionni ( "I'll shoot with a pistol in your fucking eyeball," she warns the Sitch after he jokes about crashing her future hypothetical wedding), but that doesn't mean she and Vinny aren't totally going to intercourse each other. They already have! And Jionni forgave Snooki! Sounds like Lola is going to be extra jizz-soaked tonight!  "Do you want to get ice cream?" Vinny asks her. "What are we, four?" Snooki sneers. Wow, did I just not notice Snooki was the worst? Has she been the worst this whole time? Have I been blinded to the truth just as I would prefer to be blinded by crabs rather than look at Deena's morning-after weave rat-nest ever again? If I thought ice cream was only for kindergartners, I would walk into the waves and let the scavengers break me down for nutrients right now. Something to think about, you guys.

Last episode: Too Many Hot Dogs