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'Jersey Shore' Recap: The Cabs Are Here for Thee

Season five squishes to a close

The cast of MTV's 'Jersey Shore.'
Ian Spanier Photography
March 16, 2012 9:10 AM ET

No matter how much we love the boobs, eventually they too must leave us, strapped into bombshell bras and tube tops in clubs and cities we cannot visit, we cannot know, at least until MTV decides how to have a Season Six, what with Snooki getting her spawn on. Is this the end of our love for the foreseeable future? Could any ending ever satisfy the deep existential ache left by that one time Snooki and Deena fell out off that raft? And did Deena ever find out if the hermit crabs were still there? How could she have, when they were never there to begin with?

Ah yes, another Jersey Shore finale has come and gone, much like the changing of the seasons. In fact, future Jersey Shore seasons will be how our children map the progress of the earth around the sun, and by children I mean the sentient weave the nanobots will have instructed to grow out of our tender, auburn skulls. Our living god will be a sassy working girl named Lola, and through her vacant rabbit eye sockets will flow a river of such unfathomable cruelty. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Vinny and Pauly moved all the furniture out onto the patio, and all the patio furniture into the living room! It's a tiki party, y'all! Almost everyone takes the prank with giggly good-nature and hot-tub-water-saturated couch cushions, except the Situation, who sulks and pouts and basically exhibits the symptoms of some profound emotional issue stemming from something much deeper than "Someone moved my half-empty bottles of Axe and dozens of pairs of pajama pants onto the deck." But of course the Situation is pissed, you guys! Would you want someone accidentally finding your murder diaries while trying to play a hilarious prank on you? I didn't think so.

Mike waits until the rain ruins his stuff ("Too bad when it rains in a couple minutes, it'll be ruined," he sighs while doing nothing), then visits his soggy mattress and clothes with an air of yawning despondency most of us reserve for a visit to our mother's grave. "I'm fucking sinking and shit," Mike laments as his mattress sags under him, his voice on the verge of tears. Sometimes you have to keep the inside on the inside and the outside on the outside. You feel me, Mike?

"We should change his name from the Situation to the Bitchuation," Snooki cheerfully points out. How it took this long for them to coin that moniker! How. It. Took. So. Long. Pauly and Vinny eventually help drag Mike's waterlogged belongings inside, probably because they don't want their insides on the outside and their outsides on the inside. You feel me, world?

Speaking of bitchuations and the segues between them, it just so happens that Deena's sister Joanie and Mike's brother Frank are bumping uglies. I do not mean that as a hilarious euphemism for sex. For some reason I assumed Joanie was Deena's younger sister, but fortunately she is actually 500 years old, and hopefully not quite as susceptible to graphic rumors about her sexuality. It's also remarkable that all of the Situation's siblings are like a variation on a theme, the theme being an intricately carved statuette of Popeye whittled out of pine and lacquered to a rich, luxurious finish. As such, it goes without saying that Frank tells Mike that Joanie is a squirter, a piece of information that at least the Situation treats with a sense of reverence as he blabs it to everyone. "This talent is only bestowed on the chosen one," he sighs. "It's like pee and shit!" Snooki squeals, repelled. Snooki . . . Snooki has so little anatomical or biological information, it's horrifying/all ads up.

Speaking of anatomy and transitioning from one paragraph to the next, Vinny tries to have a three-way with two lesbians he meets at the club. And by try, I mean exes Ashley and Jamie are immediately down to fuck him for absolutely no conceivable reason. I guess if years of Girls Gone Wild have taught the world anything (they have taught the world everything), it's that the presence of a video camera can make people forget their orientation for as long as it takes to get airtime. After bro-ing out with Vinny in the grossest way possible ("We're not looking for good girls," Vinny laughs as they try to wrangle him a hottie), the two accompany Vinny home and he does his best to "turn them straight," as Pauly gleefully puts it.

Shockingly, they actually have sex with him. What a twist! Another twist? "One of them looks like Matthew McConaughey," Ronnie exclaims in disbelief. Ronnie had some good ones this season, didn't he? He will be missed. Our grandchildren will bring bouquets of broken reading glasses to his tomb at the Jersey Shore Memorial, located directly under the Washington Monument. And by grandchildren, I of course mean the booty shorts we birthed with our domestic partners, Danny the T-Shirt Shop Guy and JWoww's dad. "They write history books around this shit," Vinny crows about his achievement in a moment of unintentional self-awareness. "It's like you were banging me," Pauly declares in that exact same moment.

Meanwhile, storm's a-brewin'! Deena can feel it coming, deep in her fun bags. When lightning crackles across the Jersey sky, she loses her goddamn mind. "I'm the one who's going to be fricking electrocuted," she frets. "It's that tornado I saw," she panics as the storm rolls in. Deena's butt is so scared, in fact, that it tries to make a run for it out the bottom of her lady diapers. After the lights blink out, Deena scrambles for her car keys, as she plans to . . . what? Drive directly up into the tornado and never stop? You want what you can't have, and I want to see Deena "fricking swinging all over the fricking sky" like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

Speaking of storms and just killing it when it comes to segues, Deena is about to fricking swing all over the sky of the Situation's mind over his decision to dare talk about Joanie's . . . liquidity issue. "Even if she does, what business is it to you?" Deena rages, because she is one of the few cast members who is still a human. Watching Mike scramble for an explanation for why Snooki knows the information he told her about Deena's sister is like watching a case study video on the world's most bumbling sociopath. "Who did I speak to? Who did I speak to?" he stammers before claiming Snooki must have overheard him on the phone. To console her, the Situation points out how great squirting is. "When a guy hears that about a girl, it's not a bad thing," Mike declares. "If it was up to me, I'd give Deena a high five!" The fact he has some idea that it's not up to him is the only scrap of hope I still have for this kid. This full-grown adult human being.

After a water balloon fight, which ends with Deena being dunked and closed into the hot tub, it's time for the cast to scatter once again to the corners of the Tri-State Area. Au revoir, everyone! We'll always have that episode where the downstairs toilet broke and then it turns out a tank top was jammed inside. To paraphrase Vinny, I've been at some really low points this summer . . . and then I fucked these lesbians and it was all worth it!

As the cast drifts away one by one, you might be thinking to yourself, "What would even be the purpose of another Jersey Shore season at this point?" This is a complete misunderstanding of the purpose of the show, and perhaps . . . of life itself. "I don't know if it's going to fit," Roger muses while eyeing JWoww's massive amount of luggage. In the words of a great man, that's what she said, bro. That's . . . what she said.

Last episode: Oh My God, the Wilderness

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