I’d like to imagine there was just one Abercrombie & Fitch executive desperate enough to make a stand this week. He or she stood in his or her corner office, watching the rain slide down the glass as they remembered how their children seemed almost hypnotized by this man they call the Situation, how they would “beat” up the beat to be more like him. To see the company he had dedicated his life to proudly displayed on such a person’s every shirt….the executive could not stand for it anymore. And then late last night, maybe I see his or her point.
But before we get to that delightful trainwreck, you better believe that Ronnie and Sam got back together. Clad in her finest bike shorts, Sam accompanied Ron to a roof top café, where she made her case for love, forgetting all those times when Ron vomited snakes and black bile immediately before destroying all her stuff/frail emotional integrity. After about two seconds of sunset-gazing, Sam and Ron are back on like…like a man with the general shape and disposition of Donkey Kong.
What this week’s episode lacked in surprises, it made up for in quotes. “Damn, I'm mad horny,” Sammi remarks after reuniting with Ron, to which Snooki asks if they’re planning to take a trip down the old Jersey Turnpike that night. "We're taking it slow,” Sammi chides her, and Snooki reponds, “Oh, so, slow sex?” Zing! The show’s zingers are, in some ways, a replacement for the foreign country we are literally seeing none of. Other than one romantic roof scene, the gang is way more interested in exploring each other’s soft apertures than the beautiful landscape of Italia.
The Situation has found the perfect smush partner in blonde Britney: beautiful, nice, happens to have an equally lovely twin that for the purposes of this recap I’m going to call Other Britney (O.B.). Because the two girls at one time shared a womb, the societal codes surrounding “twinning” dictate that at some point they must share one man’s pumpkin-colored wiener. The Situation is slobbering at the mouth to have a ménage a twin, though he doesn’t seem to understand why that completely undercuts his professed affection to Snooki. On the other hand…tw-tw-twins!
The twins return with the gang to Casa De Pigeon Doots, where a pouty Situation takes Britney back to smush and O.B. alternately canoodles with Deena, then Vinny, then Deena, then finally Vinny. Watching an irate Deena demand the other woman get out of Vinny’s bed and return to hers was some straight-up “Who’s On First” shit, wasn’t it? At some point O.B. declares that she is, in fact, a virgin. Look guys, I’m a Catholic, and I know how fast and loose we can get with that definition, but when a person hooks up with Deena and Vinny within a 45 minute period? Jesus wept, is all I’m saying. I also believe that at some point O.B. claimed to have watched her sister having sex, which, no judgment, should be a felony.
With a three way narrowly missed, it is now the perfect time for Ronnie to let slip the news about Snooki and The Situation doing sex to each other. Let me just say, the image of JWoww drunkenly eating ‘sgetti is now permanently burned upside down onto the back of my eyeballs. It was almost as if Jenni’s mouth has somehow become too beautiful to contain human language anymore. If only you could tell us a fable from your home planet, JWoww! As soon as she hears that the Situation has been smush-talking her friend, Jenni blows up his spot by telling Shnooks. The moon goddess holds few allegiances, but they are strong.
The information leads to an awkward confrontation between Snooki and the Situation. Look guys, I’m no Orson Welles, but let’s just say neither of the players in this scene attended Julliard. Nor the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks for that matter.
The Situation tries to stand his ground in the most repugnant way possible: "Do you want me to describe exactly what happened?" he threatens when Snooki denies fooling around “recently.” Good god, man, no! No one wants that! "You have no friends in the house," Snooki snarls, which certainly seems to be the case. The two scream in each other’s faces until, oh right, the woman currently waiting in the Situation’s bed to have sex with him wanders out to ask what in god’s name is going on. As a whole the argument really calls into question whether The Situation understands that cameras are currently recording his words and images, which will then be projected them to millions upon millions of people each and every week, thus making everything he says a manner of public records. He certainly know, but does he understand? Do any of us really?
Last Episode: Snooki Denies the Situation, Pierre Wins Our Hearts