'Jersey Shore' Recap: Nobody Likes the Situation

Plus: Snooki and Deena lose their meatball minds

Deena Nicole Cortese and Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi of MTV's 'Jersey Shore.' Credit: Courtesy MTV Press

Remember that scene in Spider-Man when Willem Defoe-as-Green-Goblin finally has a psychotic break and launches into that broken-mind monologue delivered at his own alter ego? This week's Jersey Shore episode ends on a similarly unsettling note, with the Situation mumbling to himself about the conspiracies and irrational hostilities aimed at him by his roommates. "No one can stand alone except for me," he whispers to no one.  To everyone. "That's why they gang up against me, because I'm strong." Really, that's why Mike? It's not all the 'being a border-line sociopath who cumpulsively lies, gossips and starts fights' they're reacting too?  Because that is why I want to start a conspiracy against you, Mike, and it's going to be some real top-notch Illuminati shit.

It's intriguing to look back at how the house dynamics have shifted since last year, let alone the beginning of the show. Did the non-stop Ron & Sam show in season 3 cover up how utterly awful it is to be in proximity to the Situation, or did his true nature not fully emerge until now?  As the gang has their last Sunday dinner, Sammi and Vinny launch into an argument over their room assignments back at the Jersey Shore. The lack of downtime between the filming of this season and next seems like a match to a tiny poof-wearing powder keg. Their conversation devolves until everyone is arguing about who has to be stuck living with Mike, during which the man in question silently broods in the living room. Well, let's see: Snooki doesn't like him. Ron doesn't like him. God knows we the audience don't like him. Deena doesn't like him, and the Situation's insistence that she "Be a woman! Do some dishes!" before implying she's fat probably didn't help matters. "I can lose weight for free. You need $10,000 to fix your face," Deena retorts, hilariously. The season finale is next week, and it looks like Vinny et al. is looking to deliver an ultimatum for the Situation to either act normal or leave the house. Seeing as how there is no way on God's green Earth he is capable of doing either, I'm guessing they're going to find themselves in a dilly of a wine-bottle-hurling pickle.

Not a lot of airtime is given to the whole Snooki-Jionni drama despite her dramatic admission of smush-smush. It's probably for the best, seeing as how relationship ambiguity for Snooki probably means more awkward boning with Vinny. Snooki airs out Deena's lust for Pauly D, who nervously tries to dodge her increasingly explicit overtures.  While it would have been 10,000 times more mature for Pauly to just explain that he wasn't interested in bedding the meatball, there was something deeply, retardedly human about his desperate hunt for another woman to bring home. If Pauly is having sex with another girl, then Deena can't feel rejected, is the line of thought. As the minutes tick by and his options in the club dwindle, Pauly grows more and more stricken. Finally the Smushing Hour arrives and he is forced to cite their incredibly valuable friendship as the reason he can't rock her world. "I miss penis, and these guys here suck," she mopes. Truer words.

Speaking of lady meats, Snooki and Deena are really going (meat)balls to the wall as the season winds down, aren't they? It boggles the mind how their miniature livers are successfully dealing with what they've thrown at them. While it's not shocking anymore to see Snooki and Deena dancing on a booth at a restaurant at 11:00 a.m. or flying into a red rage at the bar (were we ever so young and easily impressed?), when they get re-dressed in their club clothes to drink at 9:00 a.m. while still drunk from the night before? Floppy leopard print hats to you, girls. At brunch, things get unexpectedly existential. "Dude, we're living our fricking lives," Snooki declares as they down a round of mimosa. "I'm dying," Deena croaks. Ah, but we're all dying Deena. That's why we watch you all: to distract us from the ever-looming presence of our mortality. That's why I'm doing it, anyway, in addition to my love of writing zingers. During the ep we're also introduced to the concept of a #MeatballProblem. For example, burning your cuca in the Jacuzzi is an extremely prevalent meatball problem. One could even say it is the meatball problem. Over one half of all meatball cucas will be burned in a Jacuzzi this year. The epidemic must be stopped!

Once friend-moms Sammi and JWoww retire for the night, an already obliterated Snooki and Deena head to Central to keep the party going. Unfortunately for them, a hostile crowd starts to form. "They were like making fun of us. Maybe it was the boots," Snooki sighs. Once a bartender goes so far as to throw ice on them, Snooki and Deena lose their little meaty minds. They hurl bottles off the bar, smash glasses, and howl with rage until a security guard scoops them up under each arm and sprints toward the door, running like he's approaching on the end zone with two sentient howling footballs, which he basically is. I don't know if that particular gentleman was one of the same who tackled Ron and the Situation to the ground during their brawl, but I'd give anything to see him swing by the reunion. He must have some great stories to tell. He must be a very strong man, on the inside as well.

Last Episode: Snooki's Convoluted Confessional